The Vice of Vulnerability

Bene Brown's rise to fame was quite unintentional as she stood on the TEDX stage, thinking oh only this crowd will ever see my horrible talk... until she became a youtube star.  Her research on shame and vulnerability has been brought to the forefront of popular self-help shelves and rising students now research her research, well, write and speak on shame and vulnerability.

I can't remember how much I've spoken about my personal journey of shame.  So I'll demonstrate my new found lack of shame.  This post is about dating and breaking up while still technically married.  I realize that some of my friends and family may indeed cringe (as i have in the past), but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.  My marriage has been over for a few years and there are reasons my divorce is not final that I don't wish to share on here.  

I joined OKCupid in early October after learning about the site from a new friend.  I wanted to see what the whole online dating world was like and get out of the house as we established a new routine that mirrored custody arrangements.  So apparently, there aren't that many single women my age in this town because it was quite overwhelming the first few weeks as I filtered out what I wasn't looking for.  I found that many of my matches happen to be over the mountain in Asheville and gladly met a handful of people both in Asheville and in Johnson City.  I knew I wasn't actually looking for a relationship, at least a serious one.  However, I did promise that I would allow myself to feel deeply and experience the full emotion and heartbreak of dating.

Don't ask me why I thought that would be a good idea.  Actually, I'll tell you why.

I first met D.  I fell in love with his soul.  D is quite possibly the most generous person I'd ever met.  He would give you his last dollar no matter what.  His life's work was spent saving the planet and if he beats his cancer, he'll continue saving the planet.  I took one of my favorite pictures near his home, in one of the most beautiful spots in Asheville--- it's the picture of the two trees that grew wrapped around each other.  We realized early on that we made pretty good friends.  We inherited his beta fish and the kids named it "Taurtis", but D & I call him Jonah.  I miss D.

About the time I had gotten bored with OkC, I found someone worth messaging.  We messaged for almost a month before the first date.  No matter how confident people are, I was still nervous to meet C until I did.  At that point, that's when people say they get all weak in the knees and clammy hands or whatever.  I didn't.  I felt like I'd met an old friend, someone I'd known all my life.  I felt peace and gratitude.  and of course that intense infatuation of love, falling in love.  Everything felt natural and comfortable.  I had not expected that reaction.  I was not looking for love, or anything serious, yet suddenly, I was in a relationship.

I had decided to wear my heart on my sleeve.  I must have worn it on both my sleeves and on both my pant legs.  And he did too.  for a month.  and that was it.  Then as quickly as it began, it was over.

That heart on my sleeve, other sleeve, and both pant legs were all broken and in pieces.

and still are.

So why is it a good idea to wear your heart on your sleeve?  Well, for me, I can wear my heart on my sleeve because my whole heart- the one not broken- the one still beating strong, with life giving blood flowing in and out--yes---both literally and figuratively-- is still perfect and whole.  For the past 4 years, I have taken myself- my heart, broken it down-- allowed all of my false selves to show up.  I have tended to my broken pieces as best as I could, allowing the God of re-creation to pick up my true self and piece me back together again.

But I could only become whole again because I was vulnerable.  And so that heart on my sleeve that is broken into pieces--- it'll be okay because I'm already whole, pieced together by the God of creation.  The heart of my sleeve just made my already whole heart bigger, but I never needed love or okC to be whole.  I'm already perfect the way I am.

But yet if I hadn't have worn my heart on my sleeve, I would never have known what it feels like to fall in love again.  I would never have known what it feels like to be that vulnerable with another person.  Sometimes it really, really hurts.  Actually, no matter what, it will always hurt at some point when we are vulnerable.

But, that is where our whole hearts come in---they tell us it's okay to be sad or mad.  It's okay to be angry.  It's okay because someday, it'll get better.  Our whole hearts help us to be brave and courageous and to keep putting those hearts back on our sleeves.

I am so far removed from being an expert on vulnerability it's probably humorous I'm writing this, so please don't ever quote me for a research paper or ever.  But I'm beginning to understand one of my favorite verses in a different light.  John 10:10 (yes, bible scholar friends i'm cherry picking)... but 10:10 says, I've come that you might have life and have it to the full.  So, if Christ comes to teach us how to love, to teach us to love our neighbors as ourselves, then we are to love fully.  and live fully.  not happily or joyfully.  What if living fully meant because we are whole and re-created we can live with vulnerability and risk and courage and bravery because God is with us?  That means that sometimes life sucks, love sucks, people let us down and piss us off to no end, like really, really disappoint us and all we want to do is get angry and hate them.  But, we live fully means we also love fully.  If we love our neighbor as ourselves, then we extend grace to ourselves as well as each other.  We extend forgiveness to ourselves as well as to each other.  That is life in fullness.

That is vulnerability.  Sometimes it leaves us heartbroken.  and that's okay.

I just may wait awhile longer for mine to heal until it goes back on my sleeve.