"I'm done with it, but I'm happy you are with him, I'm happy to be on my own. I just don't wish it on anyone"
These are words from my partner's ex. Understandable words from an ex-spouse of someone with crushing anxiety and depression. I too, at times, was so incredibly happy to be done with my ex-spouse. When sickness or depression would hit my ex, I did not understand. I was resentful. I blamed him. Why wouldn't I when he never understood my chronic illness? There was anger and resentment that built up for years with the other.
I knew it was better to be alone, and so that was my plan. Until I met my partner. I call it unintentional, but I was indeed online dating. I'd never really dated, just to date and so both myself and my partner were trying out the field. Our conversations were different from the first moment we messaged. We wrote long monologues and rants, free thought form that the other somehow understood. When we met in person a few weeks after writing, it was love at first sight. I had visions of him as a teenager, but never knew what that was about or why. We fell in love very quickly. It was quite crazy. Even remembering it still seems like I was off my rockers. I'm pretty sure my family thought that a lot.
It was his second visit to my town when I noticed his anxiety. His posture changed, speaking changed and I was shocked. We hadn't gotten to this part of our stories and so I took it all in one word at a time. I remember as we sat on my porch before he left to go back home thinking that I'm not going anywhere. This was a different side of him that did not come out our first two weekends together, but it didn't change anything.
When he left, I wondered if this is something I could deal with, anxiety. Crushing anxiety. The kind of anxiety that paralyzes you, that feels like a coat of armor is covering you, smothering you completely. That weight creates space for just you and no one else can ever understand why you can't get up and walk, but yet you still exist and function sometimes.
I decided that day that I would learn everything I could about anxiety and depression. I decided that my codependency-in-recovery self meant I could never do anything to help, except walk beside that man. I could be present and I could listen, but I could never fix this person.
That doesn't mean I didn't try. That doesn't mean I still don't try to find solutions for whatever weighs him down. It just means I know I can't do anything to cure that anxiety myself. And if I wanted, I could walk away and by most people's understanding, it would be completely justified.
The dilemma for me is I love him completely. My soul connects to him like I'd never experienced before. We are old lovers and have a chance to love in this lifetime. So, I stand next to him, committed to waiting. My spiritual gift is hopefulness. I bring hope, even when I sometimes feel hopeless.
So, I take the glimpses of peace and hope and remember what it could be like. I sit and wait for him to feel better and participate in life with me. Those moments are worth every other sad, frustrating moment I may feel.
Loving someone with anxiety feels like sitting on the porch swing with two glasses of lemonade, just waiting for them to come sit with you. The day is slow and long, and the wait is sometimes brutiful (thank you Glennon for this word!).
But watching the sunset with your lover shines light into the waiting, the darkness, the helplessness. Loving someone with anxiety is worth the wait and the fight. It's a choice that is made every day and each day that love grows stronger and deeper. It becomes forever, just as it felt the first time you saw them when you know you've found your home.
Come home when you are ready. I may not be on the porch with lemonade, but I'll be waiting.
Sunday, December 17, 2017
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
The Vice of Vulnerability
Bene Brown's rise to fame was quite unintentional as she stood on the TEDX stage, thinking oh only this crowd will ever see my horrible talk... until she became a youtube star. Her research on shame and vulnerability has been brought to the forefront of popular self-help shelves and rising students now research her research, well, write and speak on shame and vulnerability.
I can't remember how much I've spoken about my personal journey of shame. So I'll demonstrate my new found lack of shame. This post is about dating and breaking up while still technically married. I realize that some of my friends and family may indeed cringe (as i have in the past), but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. My marriage has been over for a few years and there are reasons my divorce is not final that I don't wish to share on here.
I joined OKCupid in early October after learning about the site from a new friend. I wanted to see what the whole online dating world was like and get out of the house as we established a new routine that mirrored custody arrangements. So apparently, there aren't that many single women my age in this town because it was quite overwhelming the first few weeks as I filtered out what I wasn't looking for. I found that many of my matches happen to be over the mountain in Asheville and gladly met a handful of people both in Asheville and in Johnson City. I knew I wasn't actually looking for a relationship, at least a serious one. However, I did promise that I would allow myself to feel deeply and experience the full emotion and heartbreak of dating.
Don't ask me why I thought that would be a good idea. Actually, I'll tell you why.
I first met D. I fell in love with his soul. D is quite possibly the most generous person I'd ever met. He would give you his last dollar no matter what. His life's work was spent saving the planet and if he beats his cancer, he'll continue saving the planet. I took one of my favorite pictures near his home, in one of the most beautiful spots in Asheville--- it's the picture of the two trees that grew wrapped around each other. We realized early on that we made pretty good friends. We inherited his beta fish and the kids named it "Taurtis", but D & I call him Jonah. I miss D.
About the time I had gotten bored with OkC, I found someone worth messaging. We messaged for almost a month before the first date. No matter how confident people are, I was still nervous to meet C until I did. At that point, that's when people say they get all weak in the knees and clammy hands or whatever. I didn't. I felt like I'd met an old friend, someone I'd known all my life. I felt peace and gratitude. and of course that intense infatuation of love, falling in love. Everything felt natural and comfortable. I had not expected that reaction. I was not looking for love, or anything serious, yet suddenly, I was in a relationship.
I had decided to wear my heart on my sleeve. I must have worn it on both my sleeves and on both my pant legs. And he did too. for a month. and that was it. Then as quickly as it began, it was over.
That heart on my sleeve, other sleeve, and both pant legs were all broken and in pieces.
and still are.
So why is it a good idea to wear your heart on your sleeve? Well, for me, I can wear my heart on my sleeve because my whole heart- the one not broken- the one still beating strong, with life giving blood flowing in and out--yes---both literally and figuratively-- is still perfect and whole. For the past 4 years, I have taken myself- my heart, broken it down-- allowed all of my false selves to show up. I have tended to my broken pieces as best as I could, allowing the God of re-creation to pick up my true self and piece me back together again.
But I could only become whole again because I was vulnerable. And so that heart on my sleeve that is broken into pieces--- it'll be okay because I'm already whole, pieced together by the God of creation. The heart of my sleeve just made my already whole heart bigger, but I never needed love or okC to be whole. I'm already perfect the way I am.
But yet if I hadn't have worn my heart on my sleeve, I would never have known what it feels like to fall in love again. I would never have known what it feels like to be that vulnerable with another person. Sometimes it really, really hurts. Actually, no matter what, it will always hurt at some point when we are vulnerable.
But, that is where our whole hearts come in---they tell us it's okay to be sad or mad. It's okay to be angry. It's okay because someday, it'll get better. Our whole hearts help us to be brave and courageous and to keep putting those hearts back on our sleeves.
I am so far removed from being an expert on vulnerability it's probably humorous I'm writing this, so please don't ever quote me for a research paper or ever. But I'm beginning to understand one of my favorite verses in a different light. John 10:10 (yes, bible scholar friends i'm cherry picking)... but 10:10 says, I've come that you might have life and have it to the full. So, if Christ comes to teach us how to love, to teach us to love our neighbors as ourselves, then we are to love fully. and live fully. not happily or joyfully. What if living fully meant because we are whole and re-created we can live with vulnerability and risk and courage and bravery because God is with us? That means that sometimes life sucks, love sucks, people let us down and piss us off to no end, like really, really disappoint us and all we want to do is get angry and hate them. But, we live fully means we also love fully. If we love our neighbor as ourselves, then we extend grace to ourselves as well as each other. We extend forgiveness to ourselves as well as to each other. That is life in fullness.
That is vulnerability. Sometimes it leaves us heartbroken. and that's okay.
I just may wait awhile longer for mine to heal until it goes back on my sleeve.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Cancer sucks.
Tonight I write in memory of Renae Frame Hudson. She was one of the most beautiful, amazing souls I can remember from childhood/teenage years. Cancer took her life this evening.
And also tonight, I sat at Nelson Fine Art Center in Johnson City, TN to be entertained by friends in what they call the Dada Cabaret. I was entertained, but as with all theatre and good writing, my soul was nourished. We also talked about cancer tonight. We also heard about a woman dying of cancer, surrounded by her family. Very different circumstances. In fact, one death was reality and the other imagination, but both truth.
And last night, in the middle of the night, I woke and couldn't go back to sleep. I found a post linking me to a transcript with Steve Jobs Stanford University speech. There is a beautiful video as well. Here are a few portions of the speech that kept me awake last night (and again tonight).
"When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. (cont. below) Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart....
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition....
....Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. Thank you all very much."
See more at: http://www.ouramazingworld.org/life/dont-listen-to-other-peoples-advice-words-of-wisdom-for-every-generation
For a few days now, Renae's community has been writing through facebook words of support and love. People have shared beautiful stories of Renae's spirit, her life, and her love. And people have also shared scripture as they share the hope of resurrection of the body and the hope of eternal life. These are all Christian beliefs, beliefs that I mostly share with this community.
Even as a Pastor, someone inspired by both Renae and her husband Chad- my youth minister as a middle school kid, even I have doubts about what is beyond. Not because I don't believe there is a kingdom of heaven somewhere or that God doesn't exist, but because we focus so much of our energy on what is beyond, what happens after death. Yes, many of us believe it will be wonderful, there will be freedom. Phyllis Tickle, one of our greatest theologians of this time, just passed away this week from, yes, cancer. She speaks about her near death experience as a young adult- and how that shaped her to never fear death again.
While many deaths I've witnessed have been incredibly beautiful and peaceful, still yet there are many that hold on. For some of us, the scriptures just aren't enough. For some of us, stories of near-death isn't enough. We forget about this life we have here. And so I do wonder if we were to live into the motto to stay hungry, stay foolish that we might model the greatest saints. We might find that our divine light shines through so others call and see us as beautiful. I wonder if we will forget that we have absolutely nothing in life that is worth holding onto if it is not the parts that make up the sum of our heart. It's what Phyllis Tickle describes as #freedom. The video of her is not after her cancer diagnosis. This video is a few years old, when she was living-- healthy as she knew at the time. She was living in freedom before she knew death would be coming.
http://www.theworkofthepeople.com/tickle-on-her-death-bed
So Renae, thank you for sharing your freedom in life and in death with the world. Your light shines even now. We are angry, we are sad, we are confused, hurt, and pissed. We also share the wonder, and the mystery of death and resurrection. And we are reminded to love and follow our heart. Thank you for living and dying with so much beauty that we can make way for the new in our lives. May you rest in peace, beautiful soul.
And also tonight, I sat at Nelson Fine Art Center in Johnson City, TN to be entertained by friends in what they call the Dada Cabaret. I was entertained, but as with all theatre and good writing, my soul was nourished. We also talked about cancer tonight. We also heard about a woman dying of cancer, surrounded by her family. Very different circumstances. In fact, one death was reality and the other imagination, but both truth.
And last night, in the middle of the night, I woke and couldn't go back to sleep. I found a post linking me to a transcript with Steve Jobs Stanford University speech. There is a beautiful video as well. Here are a few portions of the speech that kept me awake last night (and again tonight).
"When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. (cont. below) Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart....
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition....
....Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. Thank you all very much."
See more at: http://www.ouramazingworld.org/life/dont-listen-to-other-peoples-advice-words-of-wisdom-for-every-generation
For a few days now, Renae's community has been writing through facebook words of support and love. People have shared beautiful stories of Renae's spirit, her life, and her love. And people have also shared scripture as they share the hope of resurrection of the body and the hope of eternal life. These are all Christian beliefs, beliefs that I mostly share with this community.
Even as a Pastor, someone inspired by both Renae and her husband Chad- my youth minister as a middle school kid, even I have doubts about what is beyond. Not because I don't believe there is a kingdom of heaven somewhere or that God doesn't exist, but because we focus so much of our energy on what is beyond, what happens after death. Yes, many of us believe it will be wonderful, there will be freedom. Phyllis Tickle, one of our greatest theologians of this time, just passed away this week from, yes, cancer. She speaks about her near death experience as a young adult- and how that shaped her to never fear death again.
While many deaths I've witnessed have been incredibly beautiful and peaceful, still yet there are many that hold on. For some of us, the scriptures just aren't enough. For some of us, stories of near-death isn't enough. We forget about this life we have here. And so I do wonder if we were to live into the motto to stay hungry, stay foolish that we might model the greatest saints. We might find that our divine light shines through so others call and see us as beautiful. I wonder if we will forget that we have absolutely nothing in life that is worth holding onto if it is not the parts that make up the sum of our heart. It's what Phyllis Tickle describes as #freedom. The video of her is not after her cancer diagnosis. This video is a few years old, when she was living-- healthy as she knew at the time. She was living in freedom before she knew death would be coming.
http://www.theworkofthepeople.com/tickle-on-her-death-bed
So Renae, thank you for sharing your freedom in life and in death with the world. Your light shines even now. We are angry, we are sad, we are confused, hurt, and pissed. We also share the wonder, and the mystery of death and resurrection. And we are reminded to love and follow our heart. Thank you for living and dying with so much beauty that we can make way for the new in our lives. May you rest in peace, beautiful soul.
Monday, August 10, 2015
I don't need a savior
This has been brewing in me for a few days and tonight, one of the most talented, funny, beautiful, gifted persons I know shared a very vulnerable story through a facebook post. I'll share the basics (and MY interpretation because I'm keeping it vague and I don't have the full story).
Another one of God's children has become a "none". My friend has been hurt by the church, and even more so has not felt God's spirit, voice, anything. nothing. just silence. And sometimes when the church can't get things right and God's silence spans too many years, we can't stand the abuse anymore. This friend shared the wound tonight. It is heartbreaking for many reasons.
And not to minimize anyone's story, but this experience is way too common that they've actually created a term called "Post Traumatic Church Syndrome" (it's also a book). I'm not too keen on the title after working with veterans, but honestly, the amount of hurt and pain can be equal.
So my title is about those that have left the church, those we consider the "nones", and those still attending this institution we call church- and we use the beautiful language: "i'm in need of a savior". It's beautiful because Jars of Clay pops in my head every time I think of that line. But it's not so beautiful because it's created an entire Christian culture where we guilt ourselves into belief, where shame manages our mask, and we create a culture of codependency.
We guilt ourselves and our children into belief when we hear not the story of Jesus Christ and his teachings- his greatest commandment to Love God & Love our neighbor as ourselves; but when we hear the "Roman road" or the "plan of salvation". We hear, see, sing, watch years and years of church history, philosophy, and theology unfold before our eyes. Wait, we don't. Instead, we hear a very narrow perspective, a reaction perhaps, layperson's terms to grace and sanctification and justification and all those big words. They are summed up in a sinner's prayer. God died for us because we were sinners. These words written to a church thousands of years ago, now held on by us. We need a savior. We are bad, bad people. And so we guilt ourselves into believing. Not many want to stay "evil" or go to hell.
But, we've been guilted into salvation and wake up the next day, week, year and we are still the same person we once were. We hide those parts of ourselves that desire things. We think only of the good and pure things, only heavenly things- Jesus things. We strive to be "like" someone, forgetting that our greatest teacher told us to love and not be anxious. Instead, we put on our masks and hide parts of ourselves from most of the world. We get pretty good at this, some of us are experts. But this mask is only a mask- our shame has consumed us completely. And we are left believing that we are still that sinner, still in need of a savior. We believe that something must be wrong with us. We try harder and we press on like Paul tells us. We don't ever give up and let that mask come off because then it would be like before. We are saved we tell ourselves. Saved, for God's sake! But shame has taken over our life.
And this culture of codependency... this is a huge word and even bigger topic and could and probably already is a book. But, for me, it's how it makes sense tonight. But, this culture of codependency tells us that if we aren't right with God, then we gotta fix things. We pray more, we study the Bible more, we go to church more, we trust in God more, and if we don't- then what will happen? I won't even go there. AND we don't stop at fixing ourselves. We want to fix others. And so when we so politely tell a friend that God spoke to me the other day and I just know I'm supposed to ask you about your.... let me help you. Or we run to the street corner to save somebody that doesn't want saving. It's a culture. It's not being evangelistic or missional. We have to fix things and save everyone for Jesus. What in the world would happen if it weren't for us?
Well, let me tell you. The Creator of the WORLD would keep things running. And the creator of all the children of God would continue to make all things new and would continue to call all the peoples of the Earth- children. Yes, I get it- the world is filled with chaos and evil and violence. (That's another post). For now, though, the world will keep going if we don't "fix" everything.
And so I say that I don't need a savior because I believe that before I was born that God was already within me. You can call it what you want-- "jesus in my heart", my divine spark, the holy spirit, my true self, my enlightenment, God. I was created perfectly to love God, love others, and love myself.
In order for ourselves to feel God again, for our churches and communities of faith to welcome back the "nones" and those wounded by the church; we must be willing to rethink how guilt, shame, and codependency can be recreated to grace, mercy, peace, compassion, and most of all: love.
Another one of God's children has become a "none". My friend has been hurt by the church, and even more so has not felt God's spirit, voice, anything. nothing. just silence. And sometimes when the church can't get things right and God's silence spans too many years, we can't stand the abuse anymore. This friend shared the wound tonight. It is heartbreaking for many reasons.
And not to minimize anyone's story, but this experience is way too common that they've actually created a term called "Post Traumatic Church Syndrome" (it's also a book). I'm not too keen on the title after working with veterans, but honestly, the amount of hurt and pain can be equal.
So my title is about those that have left the church, those we consider the "nones", and those still attending this institution we call church- and we use the beautiful language: "i'm in need of a savior". It's beautiful because Jars of Clay pops in my head every time I think of that line. But it's not so beautiful because it's created an entire Christian culture where we guilt ourselves into belief, where shame manages our mask, and we create a culture of codependency.
We guilt ourselves and our children into belief when we hear not the story of Jesus Christ and his teachings- his greatest commandment to Love God & Love our neighbor as ourselves; but when we hear the "Roman road" or the "plan of salvation". We hear, see, sing, watch years and years of church history, philosophy, and theology unfold before our eyes. Wait, we don't. Instead, we hear a very narrow perspective, a reaction perhaps, layperson's terms to grace and sanctification and justification and all those big words. They are summed up in a sinner's prayer. God died for us because we were sinners. These words written to a church thousands of years ago, now held on by us. We need a savior. We are bad, bad people. And so we guilt ourselves into believing. Not many want to stay "evil" or go to hell.
But, we've been guilted into salvation and wake up the next day, week, year and we are still the same person we once were. We hide those parts of ourselves that desire things. We think only of the good and pure things, only heavenly things- Jesus things. We strive to be "like" someone, forgetting that our greatest teacher told us to love and not be anxious. Instead, we put on our masks and hide parts of ourselves from most of the world. We get pretty good at this, some of us are experts. But this mask is only a mask- our shame has consumed us completely. And we are left believing that we are still that sinner, still in need of a savior. We believe that something must be wrong with us. We try harder and we press on like Paul tells us. We don't ever give up and let that mask come off because then it would be like before. We are saved we tell ourselves. Saved, for God's sake! But shame has taken over our life.
And this culture of codependency... this is a huge word and even bigger topic and could and probably already is a book. But, for me, it's how it makes sense tonight. But, this culture of codependency tells us that if we aren't right with God, then we gotta fix things. We pray more, we study the Bible more, we go to church more, we trust in God more, and if we don't- then what will happen? I won't even go there. AND we don't stop at fixing ourselves. We want to fix others. And so when we so politely tell a friend that God spoke to me the other day and I just know I'm supposed to ask you about your.... let me help you. Or we run to the street corner to save somebody that doesn't want saving. It's a culture. It's not being evangelistic or missional. We have to fix things and save everyone for Jesus. What in the world would happen if it weren't for us?
Well, let me tell you. The Creator of the WORLD would keep things running. And the creator of all the children of God would continue to make all things new and would continue to call all the peoples of the Earth- children. Yes, I get it- the world is filled with chaos and evil and violence. (That's another post). For now, though, the world will keep going if we don't "fix" everything.
And so I say that I don't need a savior because I believe that before I was born that God was already within me. You can call it what you want-- "jesus in my heart", my divine spark, the holy spirit, my true self, my enlightenment, God. I was created perfectly to love God, love others, and love myself.
In order for ourselves to feel God again, for our churches and communities of faith to welcome back the "nones" and those wounded by the church; we must be willing to rethink how guilt, shame, and codependency can be recreated to grace, mercy, peace, compassion, and most of all: love.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
The News
Last week I posted an article about life after divorce. There were pictures of happy families after the dreaded 'divorce'. The pictures were beautiful for anyone; married, divorced, separated, or widowed. They were a reminder that life gives us second chances and God's grace is way more than sufficient for us.
I did not post the article to leave a cryptic message about my life, but in many ways, that's what happened. My 14 year marriage will end in divorce towards the end of the summer.
No, there is no scandal to share and yes, it is mutual. I can't say that we are immune to scandal or mistakes, OR that we haven't already regretted the decision. If you want more details; please ask.
While I have many regrets about life and marriage, I will never regret marrying Adam-- making a choice to commit to a lifelong relationship and meaning it as best I possibly could with everything I knew and experienced at the time. I have a lifelong friend that will understand me better than most others, someone that has seen me in a great deal of both emotional and physical pain, someone who knows me at my worst and best self.
And he has given me life's gift of children and a dog. I will never be able to express my gratitude in full.
At this point in my life's journey, I have decided that I love Adam in a way that not many will ever understand. In order for me to love him in my way, I have to let him go.
It has taken me YEARS to convince myself divorce is okay. As a Pastor, I try my hardest (most days) to never preach anything I couldn't uphold myself. While I have failed many, many times; I believe I can preach and officiate God-ordained unions and still hold my head up. It is only because of God's unconditional love and grace that gives me this confidence.
While marriage may never be in my future, I do know that I am worthy of being loved and loving someone.
Our divorce and marriage is and was as with everyone, very complex. We are both products of our families and learned to be in relationship with each other as individuals from different family systems.
I speak for myself only here. I am a codependent warrior. I fix things and people and take care of those around me. When I got ill after my neck surgery (2010), I was incredibly depressed, fighting for my life as undiagnosed joint pain & fatigue continued to get worse and worse. I've struggled and fought for five years with Primary Sjogren's Syndrome.
In year two of my struggle, I was given the gift of a Chaplain Residency at the James H. Quillen VA Medical Center. While learning to care for others, I learned how to take care of myself. This is something we ALL must learn on our own---no matter how healthy or dysfunctional of a family we have. Sometimes relatively healthy families fail to understand their own relationships and relationships with self. In a nutshell, I learned how to love myself and practice true self-care.
As I learned to love myself, I began to find more of my true self emerging. Every day, I learn more about who God has created me to become.
While this may appear selfish, this new found love for myself meant that I had to learn to love in new ways, more perfect ways. And the best, and most perfect love for Adam is to be honest with him. Our conversations have been incredibly painful, full of regret, and anger and certainly resentment.
But the decision that we came to together is that in order for us to love each other well, to give our children the healthiest, most joyful family, it means our family has to live separately.
The brokenness of broken homes is really only present if the parents can't step aside long enough to let healing begin. And so breaking up our little family is the most painful act we will go through. But, we will sit with our children through the pain and we will depend on many to help sit with our children in their pain.
So, I (Deven) ask for your prayers or good thoughts. If you would like to know more, we may share and we may not. The story certainly has two sides (or more!), so please ask one of us directly.
I do hope to share more of my journey some day, but for now, it is what grounds me. But please know that neither of us plan to be completely absent from each other's family. We may not be present for a little while and that is okay. Or, we may be present and if it is awkward we'll tell you.
And to some of you, please answer if we need to call you. We will need support in ways we never dreamed of.
I (Deven) hope to celebrate our divorce with a ceremony and party. Adam still thinks it is kinda weird. It is, but i like ritual. So stay tuned--- you may be invited to your first divorce ceremony!
Thank you in advance for your thoughts prayers and love. Please let us know if you have any questions. Happy Divorcing!
grace and peace,
Deven
I did not post the article to leave a cryptic message about my life, but in many ways, that's what happened. My 14 year marriage will end in divorce towards the end of the summer.
No, there is no scandal to share and yes, it is mutual. I can't say that we are immune to scandal or mistakes, OR that we haven't already regretted the decision. If you want more details; please ask.
While I have many regrets about life and marriage, I will never regret marrying Adam-- making a choice to commit to a lifelong relationship and meaning it as best I possibly could with everything I knew and experienced at the time. I have a lifelong friend that will understand me better than most others, someone that has seen me in a great deal of both emotional and physical pain, someone who knows me at my worst and best self.
And he has given me life's gift of children and a dog. I will never be able to express my gratitude in full.
At this point in my life's journey, I have decided that I love Adam in a way that not many will ever understand. In order for me to love him in my way, I have to let him go.
It has taken me YEARS to convince myself divorce is okay. As a Pastor, I try my hardest (most days) to never preach anything I couldn't uphold myself. While I have failed many, many times; I believe I can preach and officiate God-ordained unions and still hold my head up. It is only because of God's unconditional love and grace that gives me this confidence.
While marriage may never be in my future, I do know that I am worthy of being loved and loving someone.
Our divorce and marriage is and was as with everyone, very complex. We are both products of our families and learned to be in relationship with each other as individuals from different family systems.
I speak for myself only here. I am a codependent warrior. I fix things and people and take care of those around me. When I got ill after my neck surgery (2010), I was incredibly depressed, fighting for my life as undiagnosed joint pain & fatigue continued to get worse and worse. I've struggled and fought for five years with Primary Sjogren's Syndrome.
In year two of my struggle, I was given the gift of a Chaplain Residency at the James H. Quillen VA Medical Center. While learning to care for others, I learned how to take care of myself. This is something we ALL must learn on our own---no matter how healthy or dysfunctional of a family we have. Sometimes relatively healthy families fail to understand their own relationships and relationships with self. In a nutshell, I learned how to love myself and practice true self-care.
As I learned to love myself, I began to find more of my true self emerging. Every day, I learn more about who God has created me to become.
While this may appear selfish, this new found love for myself meant that I had to learn to love in new ways, more perfect ways. And the best, and most perfect love for Adam is to be honest with him. Our conversations have been incredibly painful, full of regret, and anger and certainly resentment.
But the decision that we came to together is that in order for us to love each other well, to give our children the healthiest, most joyful family, it means our family has to live separately.
The brokenness of broken homes is really only present if the parents can't step aside long enough to let healing begin. And so breaking up our little family is the most painful act we will go through. But, we will sit with our children through the pain and we will depend on many to help sit with our children in their pain.
So, I (Deven) ask for your prayers or good thoughts. If you would like to know more, we may share and we may not. The story certainly has two sides (or more!), so please ask one of us directly.
I do hope to share more of my journey some day, but for now, it is what grounds me. But please know that neither of us plan to be completely absent from each other's family. We may not be present for a little while and that is okay. Or, we may be present and if it is awkward we'll tell you.
And to some of you, please answer if we need to call you. We will need support in ways we never dreamed of.
I (Deven) hope to celebrate our divorce with a ceremony and party. Adam still thinks it is kinda weird. It is, but i like ritual. So stay tuned--- you may be invited to your first divorce ceremony!
Thank you in advance for your thoughts prayers and love. Please let us know if you have any questions. Happy Divorcing!
grace and peace,
Deven
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
"Fear" rules the world...with truth and grace...and makes the nations prove...
It keeps coming back to fear...
Every so often I read or preach or see something on the news that reminds me that fear paralyzes us to an extent that we are not capable of being our true selves as long as we continue to allow (i use passive voice-- or what i think is passive voice! on purpose here...) but we continue to allow fear to rule our lives. You may think...so what, this is a psychological issue... or emotions we have naturally. But it is not.
Fear is one of the most spiritual emotions we are blessed with. It is no longer a blessing when it begins to slowly paralyze our true self, our God-given self- not the self we think we should be or the self we've created to hide with. Now, let me back up a little bit.
I have two beautiful, wonderful children. And I was able to carry both my children to full-term. Both were quite large babies due to my, um, love of food and some genetics. So.. I was induced with both kids so they wouldn't hit the 40 week mark and come out 12 pounds. When a woman is induced in labor, there are many ways to "speed up" the labor, but most are given a medicine called Pitocin. For my first child, I was given pitocin slowly, then had my water broken, and then the doctor (being afraid that I'd labor for more than 24 hours and get an infection) increased my dosage quickly (side note- my labor took about 7 hours). My second labor seemed to progress without as much pitocin, but yet when both labors arrived at the transitional labor stages, I freaked out. I knew what to expect with my second baby and so refused my epidural until about 7 cm- which BTW- there is a reason they don't normally give them at that late stage! They don't work as well! (another side note- epidurals slow the labor progress--which is one reason to wait)
So, with my second child, I knew what to expect. I knew what the horrible contractions felt like and I was prepared. I can't say that I was doing anything right breathing through them, but they weren't as horrible as I remembered. Then... my little bundle of joy began the journey to birth, which is um... transitional labor. I'll spare you the details because this is not my point!! But, transitional labor is VERY different than the preceding contractions. The body is doing everything to get a child out and so I was no longer in the horrible pain that contractions have, but instead was in a horrible pressure. NO ONE tells you about the pressure. oh...you'll feel some pressure with the contractions at this point. But, dang it. IT IS THE WORST. There is no comparison to even contractions brought on by pitocin (which i obviously don't know the difference- but I've heard they are worse than natural!) Why oh why did I agree to drug myself to push this kid out? FEAR And why is this pressure so dang horrible? FEAR!!!
When women get to the stage of labor that is so painful, but yet so new, they/I begin/began to fear. I thought my insides were going to rip open and I would die. I feared the pain would get worse. I feared my nine and a half pound child would be too big. When I began to fear- the pain got way worse. I began to focus on my fears, instead of the job of laboring to bring a new life into the world. I gave up on my job because I was afraid. I went for the epidural to help me through. I had no complications and my son was perfect.
My point?
Our lives are so focused on what we fear that we could even categorize products that we buy and sell as "fear developing aids" or some better, actual clever title. Seriously, I had to buy a face mask for my 7 year old daughter last year so she could play softball. In my day, we just took one to the face of nose. Really though, how many 7 & 8 year old children throw or hit hard enough to warrant a face mask?
So, because I've spent more than half this post explaining my childbirth labor fear, I'd like to challenge us to do an inventory on our homes and lives. How many products do we own that are based in fear? Where do we draw the line between "caring for ourselves" and "fearing for the future". Here's an example: We have found that fluoride strengthens teeth. So, we brush with paste and gel that has fluoride in it. OR....we have heard that fluoride is toxic to our bodies and so we buy an alternative toothpaste and drink only filtered, bottled, special water without fluoride. Now, my autoimmune disease causes severe dry mouth, causing many of us quick tooth decay. I actually own a bottle of fluoride. I'm supposed to brush it on every night before bedtime to help protect my teeth from early decay-- most of us lose teeth in our 40's and 50's. Where do I draw the line to take care of myself without living in fear that I too, will lose my teeth if I don't use fluoride now? I know this seems like a silly question, but I believe this question is SO MUCH bigger than toothpaste.
What do you fear? How do your fears paralyze you? How do your fears prevent you from becoming your true self, the person God created and loves? And last one for today, how can we live "in Christ" but be fearful of most everything around us? One of the most common phrases we read from Jesus is: Do not be afraid! Do not fear! God even sent angels to remind us not to fear. So why do allow fear to rule our lives instead of the Creator of the Universe?
**A note** I don't write things like this a lot and so I have to put a disclaimer on here...that I am in no way immune to fear-even life-paralyzing fear. It is one reason why I am writing...to answer for myself. I've just invited some facebook friends that haven't blocked or unfriended me along. And...I hope to share more about my fears as I journey. Thanks for reading today and to my grammar friends- my apologies for breaking a few rules I don't remember learning.
Every so often I read or preach or see something on the news that reminds me that fear paralyzes us to an extent that we are not capable of being our true selves as long as we continue to allow (i use passive voice-- or what i think is passive voice! on purpose here...) but we continue to allow fear to rule our lives. You may think...so what, this is a psychological issue... or emotions we have naturally. But it is not.
Fear is one of the most spiritual emotions we are blessed with. It is no longer a blessing when it begins to slowly paralyze our true self, our God-given self- not the self we think we should be or the self we've created to hide with. Now, let me back up a little bit.
I have two beautiful, wonderful children. And I was able to carry both my children to full-term. Both were quite large babies due to my, um, love of food and some genetics. So.. I was induced with both kids so they wouldn't hit the 40 week mark and come out 12 pounds. When a woman is induced in labor, there are many ways to "speed up" the labor, but most are given a medicine called Pitocin. For my first child, I was given pitocin slowly, then had my water broken, and then the doctor (being afraid that I'd labor for more than 24 hours and get an infection) increased my dosage quickly (side note- my labor took about 7 hours). My second labor seemed to progress without as much pitocin, but yet when both labors arrived at the transitional labor stages, I freaked out. I knew what to expect with my second baby and so refused my epidural until about 7 cm- which BTW- there is a reason they don't normally give them at that late stage! They don't work as well! (another side note- epidurals slow the labor progress--which is one reason to wait)
So, with my second child, I knew what to expect. I knew what the horrible contractions felt like and I was prepared. I can't say that I was doing anything right breathing through them, but they weren't as horrible as I remembered. Then... my little bundle of joy began the journey to birth, which is um... transitional labor. I'll spare you the details because this is not my point!! But, transitional labor is VERY different than the preceding contractions. The body is doing everything to get a child out and so I was no longer in the horrible pain that contractions have, but instead was in a horrible pressure. NO ONE tells you about the pressure. oh...you'll feel some pressure with the contractions at this point. But, dang it. IT IS THE WORST. There is no comparison to even contractions brought on by pitocin (which i obviously don't know the difference- but I've heard they are worse than natural!) Why oh why did I agree to drug myself to push this kid out? FEAR And why is this pressure so dang horrible? FEAR!!!
When women get to the stage of labor that is so painful, but yet so new, they/I begin/began to fear. I thought my insides were going to rip open and I would die. I feared the pain would get worse. I feared my nine and a half pound child would be too big. When I began to fear- the pain got way worse. I began to focus on my fears, instead of the job of laboring to bring a new life into the world. I gave up on my job because I was afraid. I went for the epidural to help me through. I had no complications and my son was perfect.
My point?
Our lives are so focused on what we fear that we could even categorize products that we buy and sell as "fear developing aids" or some better, actual clever title. Seriously, I had to buy a face mask for my 7 year old daughter last year so she could play softball. In my day, we just took one to the face of nose. Really though, how many 7 & 8 year old children throw or hit hard enough to warrant a face mask?
So, because I've spent more than half this post explaining my childbirth labor fear, I'd like to challenge us to do an inventory on our homes and lives. How many products do we own that are based in fear? Where do we draw the line between "caring for ourselves" and "fearing for the future". Here's an example: We have found that fluoride strengthens teeth. So, we brush with paste and gel that has fluoride in it. OR....we have heard that fluoride is toxic to our bodies and so we buy an alternative toothpaste and drink only filtered, bottled, special water without fluoride. Now, my autoimmune disease causes severe dry mouth, causing many of us quick tooth decay. I actually own a bottle of fluoride. I'm supposed to brush it on every night before bedtime to help protect my teeth from early decay-- most of us lose teeth in our 40's and 50's. Where do I draw the line to take care of myself without living in fear that I too, will lose my teeth if I don't use fluoride now? I know this seems like a silly question, but I believe this question is SO MUCH bigger than toothpaste.
What do you fear? How do your fears paralyze you? How do your fears prevent you from becoming your true self, the person God created and loves? And last one for today, how can we live "in Christ" but be fearful of most everything around us? One of the most common phrases we read from Jesus is: Do not be afraid! Do not fear! God even sent angels to remind us not to fear. So why do allow fear to rule our lives instead of the Creator of the Universe?
**A note** I don't write things like this a lot and so I have to put a disclaimer on here...that I am in no way immune to fear-even life-paralyzing fear. It is one reason why I am writing...to answer for myself. I've just invited some facebook friends that haven't blocked or unfriended me along. And...I hope to share more about my fears as I journey. Thanks for reading today and to my grammar friends- my apologies for breaking a few rules I don't remember learning.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
a little venting about Christians
GOD TREASURES CHRISTIANS
That was the latest Church sign that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. This is the nice church I drive by almost every day up on a hill out of the way, they keep their grass cut beautifully. Isaac loved looking out the window of his preschool at the church across the street. Their sign has never really been 'annoying'. By annoying, I mean every week there is some Christian cliche that makes you wonder if pagans would ever walk in a church again after seeing that quote.
But this one did it. People may argue with me that it is all the medicine I take, but ever since my CPE residency I have the ability to sit in an anger filled rage, but appear to be in a zen state. So as I shook my head, I decided not to drive the car into the sign. Really, we only have one car that works again this month so we need our trusty car.
So what passage did I preach on last week, but Luke 15-- the lost coin and lost sheep. You know, the one where God treasures the LOST. There are no more labels. non-christian, christian just lost. and not lost- those with the rest- the 99 that are waiting, in community, the other coins waiting. those who rejoice and party with the shepherd and the woman. the community.
I SO WANTED to include a 10 minute rant on this in my sermon, but did NOT as I had used crazy sign man a few weeks ago as a sermon illustration. (he's the crazy fundamentalist who believes everyone is going to hell for something, seriously- you are a woman, you got a tattoo, you are gay and he puts signs up in his yard for all who drive by to see on a very busy road- hwy 36 where i live)...
But, one thing I did say on Sunday, I had learned while studying. In my most beloved commentary Feasting on the Word Commentary, the author pointed out the difference between 'saving' the lost and 'welcoming' the lost. I had never put it together...all these years. When we use terms like 'saving' souls or lost or non-christian or pagans, we have power 'over'. This is not the way of Jesus. (ps. apologies to you author if i have totally messed with your intent)
Instead, we welcome the lost into our communities of faith & doubt and anything in between. We welcome each other, because many days we are the lost. We may not be far off, but right in the middle of the action believing that WE ARE THE ONLY ONES.
If I read Luke 15 correctly, God does not treasure Christians, God treasures all God's people and it may even appear that God treasures the 'lost' more than those who are not.
So please if you decide to call yourself a Christian, please, please, please stop making it so damn easy for the rest of humanity to ignore you. We don't want to be a part of your exclusive club.
We want to party with the woman who found her coin, learn what it means to rejoice as a community, and welcome whoever walks in and out the door.
Welcome Home. Welcome Home. I'd say.
That was the latest Church sign that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. This is the nice church I drive by almost every day up on a hill out of the way, they keep their grass cut beautifully. Isaac loved looking out the window of his preschool at the church across the street. Their sign has never really been 'annoying'. By annoying, I mean every week there is some Christian cliche that makes you wonder if pagans would ever walk in a church again after seeing that quote.
But this one did it. People may argue with me that it is all the medicine I take, but ever since my CPE residency I have the ability to sit in an anger filled rage, but appear to be in a zen state. So as I shook my head, I decided not to drive the car into the sign. Really, we only have one car that works again this month so we need our trusty car.
So what passage did I preach on last week, but Luke 15-- the lost coin and lost sheep. You know, the one where God treasures the LOST. There are no more labels. non-christian, christian just lost. and not lost- those with the rest- the 99 that are waiting, in community, the other coins waiting. those who rejoice and party with the shepherd and the woman. the community.
I SO WANTED to include a 10 minute rant on this in my sermon, but did NOT as I had used crazy sign man a few weeks ago as a sermon illustration. (he's the crazy fundamentalist who believes everyone is going to hell for something, seriously- you are a woman, you got a tattoo, you are gay and he puts signs up in his yard for all who drive by to see on a very busy road- hwy 36 where i live)...
But, one thing I did say on Sunday, I had learned while studying. In my most beloved commentary Feasting on the Word Commentary, the author pointed out the difference between 'saving' the lost and 'welcoming' the lost. I had never put it together...all these years. When we use terms like 'saving' souls or lost or non-christian or pagans, we have power 'over'. This is not the way of Jesus. (ps. apologies to you author if i have totally messed with your intent)
Instead, we welcome the lost into our communities of faith & doubt and anything in between. We welcome each other, because many days we are the lost. We may not be far off, but right in the middle of the action believing that WE ARE THE ONLY ONES.
If I read Luke 15 correctly, God does not treasure Christians, God treasures all God's people and it may even appear that God treasures the 'lost' more than those who are not.
So please if you decide to call yourself a Christian, please, please, please stop making it so damn easy for the rest of humanity to ignore you. We don't want to be a part of your exclusive club.
We want to party with the woman who found her coin, learn what it means to rejoice as a community, and welcome whoever walks in and out the door.
Welcome Home. Welcome Home. I'd say.
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