Tonight I write in memory of Renae Frame Hudson. She was one of the most beautiful, amazing souls I can remember from childhood/teenage years. Cancer took her life this evening.
And also tonight, I sat at Nelson Fine Art Center in Johnson City, TN to be entertained by friends in what they call the Dada Cabaret. I was entertained, but as with all theatre and good writing, my soul was nourished. We also talked about cancer tonight. We also heard about a woman dying of cancer, surrounded by her family. Very different circumstances. In fact, one death was reality and the other imagination, but both truth.
And last night, in the middle of the night, I woke and couldn't go back to sleep. I found a post linking me to a transcript with Steve Jobs Stanford University speech. There is a beautiful video as well. Here are a few portions of the speech that kept me awake last night (and again tonight).
"When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. (cont. below) Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart....
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition....
....Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. Thank you all very much."
See more at: http://www.ouramazingworld.org/life/dont-listen-to-other-peoples-advice-words-of-wisdom-for-every-generation
For a few days now, Renae's community has been writing through facebook words of support and love. People have shared beautiful stories of Renae's spirit, her life, and her love. And people have also shared scripture as they share the hope of resurrection of the body and the hope of eternal life. These are all Christian beliefs, beliefs that I mostly share with this community.
Even as a Pastor, someone inspired by both Renae and her husband Chad- my youth minister as a middle school kid, even I have doubts about what is beyond. Not because I don't believe there is a kingdom of heaven somewhere or that God doesn't exist, but because we focus so much of our energy on what is beyond, what happens after death. Yes, many of us believe it will be wonderful, there will be freedom. Phyllis Tickle, one of our greatest theologians of this time, just passed away this week from, yes, cancer. She speaks about her near death experience as a young adult- and how that shaped her to never fear death again.
While many deaths I've witnessed have been incredibly beautiful and peaceful, still yet there are many that hold on. For some of us, the scriptures just aren't enough. For some of us, stories of near-death isn't enough. We forget about this life we have here. And so I do wonder if we were to live into the motto to stay hungry, stay foolish that we might model the greatest saints. We might find that our divine light shines through so others call and see us as beautiful. I wonder if we will forget that we have absolutely nothing in life that is worth holding onto if it is not the parts that make up the sum of our heart. It's what Phyllis Tickle describes as #freedom. The video of her is not after her cancer diagnosis. This video is a few years old, when she was living-- healthy as she knew at the time. She was living in freedom before she knew death would be coming.
http://www.theworkofthepeople.com/tickle-on-her-death-bed
So Renae, thank you for sharing your freedom in life and in death with the world. Your light shines even now. We are angry, we are sad, we are confused, hurt, and pissed. We also share the wonder, and the mystery of death and resurrection. And we are reminded to love and follow our heart. Thank you for living and dying with so much beauty that we can make way for the new in our lives. May you rest in peace, beautiful soul.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Monday, August 10, 2015
I don't need a savior
This has been brewing in me for a few days and tonight, one of the most talented, funny, beautiful, gifted persons I know shared a very vulnerable story through a facebook post. I'll share the basics (and MY interpretation because I'm keeping it vague and I don't have the full story).
Another one of God's children has become a "none". My friend has been hurt by the church, and even more so has not felt God's spirit, voice, anything. nothing. just silence. And sometimes when the church can't get things right and God's silence spans too many years, we can't stand the abuse anymore. This friend shared the wound tonight. It is heartbreaking for many reasons.
And not to minimize anyone's story, but this experience is way too common that they've actually created a term called "Post Traumatic Church Syndrome" (it's also a book). I'm not too keen on the title after working with veterans, but honestly, the amount of hurt and pain can be equal.
So my title is about those that have left the church, those we consider the "nones", and those still attending this institution we call church- and we use the beautiful language: "i'm in need of a savior". It's beautiful because Jars of Clay pops in my head every time I think of that line. But it's not so beautiful because it's created an entire Christian culture where we guilt ourselves into belief, where shame manages our mask, and we create a culture of codependency.
We guilt ourselves and our children into belief when we hear not the story of Jesus Christ and his teachings- his greatest commandment to Love God & Love our neighbor as ourselves; but when we hear the "Roman road" or the "plan of salvation". We hear, see, sing, watch years and years of church history, philosophy, and theology unfold before our eyes. Wait, we don't. Instead, we hear a very narrow perspective, a reaction perhaps, layperson's terms to grace and sanctification and justification and all those big words. They are summed up in a sinner's prayer. God died for us because we were sinners. These words written to a church thousands of years ago, now held on by us. We need a savior. We are bad, bad people. And so we guilt ourselves into believing. Not many want to stay "evil" or go to hell.
But, we've been guilted into salvation and wake up the next day, week, year and we are still the same person we once were. We hide those parts of ourselves that desire things. We think only of the good and pure things, only heavenly things- Jesus things. We strive to be "like" someone, forgetting that our greatest teacher told us to love and not be anxious. Instead, we put on our masks and hide parts of ourselves from most of the world. We get pretty good at this, some of us are experts. But this mask is only a mask- our shame has consumed us completely. And we are left believing that we are still that sinner, still in need of a savior. We believe that something must be wrong with us. We try harder and we press on like Paul tells us. We don't ever give up and let that mask come off because then it would be like before. We are saved we tell ourselves. Saved, for God's sake! But shame has taken over our life.
And this culture of codependency... this is a huge word and even bigger topic and could and probably already is a book. But, for me, it's how it makes sense tonight. But, this culture of codependency tells us that if we aren't right with God, then we gotta fix things. We pray more, we study the Bible more, we go to church more, we trust in God more, and if we don't- then what will happen? I won't even go there. AND we don't stop at fixing ourselves. We want to fix others. And so when we so politely tell a friend that God spoke to me the other day and I just know I'm supposed to ask you about your.... let me help you. Or we run to the street corner to save somebody that doesn't want saving. It's a culture. It's not being evangelistic or missional. We have to fix things and save everyone for Jesus. What in the world would happen if it weren't for us?
Well, let me tell you. The Creator of the WORLD would keep things running. And the creator of all the children of God would continue to make all things new and would continue to call all the peoples of the Earth- children. Yes, I get it- the world is filled with chaos and evil and violence. (That's another post). For now, though, the world will keep going if we don't "fix" everything.
And so I say that I don't need a savior because I believe that before I was born that God was already within me. You can call it what you want-- "jesus in my heart", my divine spark, the holy spirit, my true self, my enlightenment, God. I was created perfectly to love God, love others, and love myself.
In order for ourselves to feel God again, for our churches and communities of faith to welcome back the "nones" and those wounded by the church; we must be willing to rethink how guilt, shame, and codependency can be recreated to grace, mercy, peace, compassion, and most of all: love.
Another one of God's children has become a "none". My friend has been hurt by the church, and even more so has not felt God's spirit, voice, anything. nothing. just silence. And sometimes when the church can't get things right and God's silence spans too many years, we can't stand the abuse anymore. This friend shared the wound tonight. It is heartbreaking for many reasons.
And not to minimize anyone's story, but this experience is way too common that they've actually created a term called "Post Traumatic Church Syndrome" (it's also a book). I'm not too keen on the title after working with veterans, but honestly, the amount of hurt and pain can be equal.
So my title is about those that have left the church, those we consider the "nones", and those still attending this institution we call church- and we use the beautiful language: "i'm in need of a savior". It's beautiful because Jars of Clay pops in my head every time I think of that line. But it's not so beautiful because it's created an entire Christian culture where we guilt ourselves into belief, where shame manages our mask, and we create a culture of codependency.
We guilt ourselves and our children into belief when we hear not the story of Jesus Christ and his teachings- his greatest commandment to Love God & Love our neighbor as ourselves; but when we hear the "Roman road" or the "plan of salvation". We hear, see, sing, watch years and years of church history, philosophy, and theology unfold before our eyes. Wait, we don't. Instead, we hear a very narrow perspective, a reaction perhaps, layperson's terms to grace and sanctification and justification and all those big words. They are summed up in a sinner's prayer. God died for us because we were sinners. These words written to a church thousands of years ago, now held on by us. We need a savior. We are bad, bad people. And so we guilt ourselves into believing. Not many want to stay "evil" or go to hell.
But, we've been guilted into salvation and wake up the next day, week, year and we are still the same person we once were. We hide those parts of ourselves that desire things. We think only of the good and pure things, only heavenly things- Jesus things. We strive to be "like" someone, forgetting that our greatest teacher told us to love and not be anxious. Instead, we put on our masks and hide parts of ourselves from most of the world. We get pretty good at this, some of us are experts. But this mask is only a mask- our shame has consumed us completely. And we are left believing that we are still that sinner, still in need of a savior. We believe that something must be wrong with us. We try harder and we press on like Paul tells us. We don't ever give up and let that mask come off because then it would be like before. We are saved we tell ourselves. Saved, for God's sake! But shame has taken over our life.
And this culture of codependency... this is a huge word and even bigger topic and could and probably already is a book. But, for me, it's how it makes sense tonight. But, this culture of codependency tells us that if we aren't right with God, then we gotta fix things. We pray more, we study the Bible more, we go to church more, we trust in God more, and if we don't- then what will happen? I won't even go there. AND we don't stop at fixing ourselves. We want to fix others. And so when we so politely tell a friend that God spoke to me the other day and I just know I'm supposed to ask you about your.... let me help you. Or we run to the street corner to save somebody that doesn't want saving. It's a culture. It's not being evangelistic or missional. We have to fix things and save everyone for Jesus. What in the world would happen if it weren't for us?
Well, let me tell you. The Creator of the WORLD would keep things running. And the creator of all the children of God would continue to make all things new and would continue to call all the peoples of the Earth- children. Yes, I get it- the world is filled with chaos and evil and violence. (That's another post). For now, though, the world will keep going if we don't "fix" everything.
And so I say that I don't need a savior because I believe that before I was born that God was already within me. You can call it what you want-- "jesus in my heart", my divine spark, the holy spirit, my true self, my enlightenment, God. I was created perfectly to love God, love others, and love myself.
In order for ourselves to feel God again, for our churches and communities of faith to welcome back the "nones" and those wounded by the church; we must be willing to rethink how guilt, shame, and codependency can be recreated to grace, mercy, peace, compassion, and most of all: love.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
The News
Last week I posted an article about life after divorce. There were pictures of happy families after the dreaded 'divorce'. The pictures were beautiful for anyone; married, divorced, separated, or widowed. They were a reminder that life gives us second chances and God's grace is way more than sufficient for us.
I did not post the article to leave a cryptic message about my life, but in many ways, that's what happened. My 14 year marriage will end in divorce towards the end of the summer.
No, there is no scandal to share and yes, it is mutual. I can't say that we are immune to scandal or mistakes, OR that we haven't already regretted the decision. If you want more details; please ask.
While I have many regrets about life and marriage, I will never regret marrying Adam-- making a choice to commit to a lifelong relationship and meaning it as best I possibly could with everything I knew and experienced at the time. I have a lifelong friend that will understand me better than most others, someone that has seen me in a great deal of both emotional and physical pain, someone who knows me at my worst and best self.
And he has given me life's gift of children and a dog. I will never be able to express my gratitude in full.
At this point in my life's journey, I have decided that I love Adam in a way that not many will ever understand. In order for me to love him in my way, I have to let him go.
It has taken me YEARS to convince myself divorce is okay. As a Pastor, I try my hardest (most days) to never preach anything I couldn't uphold myself. While I have failed many, many times; I believe I can preach and officiate God-ordained unions and still hold my head up. It is only because of God's unconditional love and grace that gives me this confidence.
While marriage may never be in my future, I do know that I am worthy of being loved and loving someone.
Our divorce and marriage is and was as with everyone, very complex. We are both products of our families and learned to be in relationship with each other as individuals from different family systems.
I speak for myself only here. I am a codependent warrior. I fix things and people and take care of those around me. When I got ill after my neck surgery (2010), I was incredibly depressed, fighting for my life as undiagnosed joint pain & fatigue continued to get worse and worse. I've struggled and fought for five years with Primary Sjogren's Syndrome.
In year two of my struggle, I was given the gift of a Chaplain Residency at the James H. Quillen VA Medical Center. While learning to care for others, I learned how to take care of myself. This is something we ALL must learn on our own---no matter how healthy or dysfunctional of a family we have. Sometimes relatively healthy families fail to understand their own relationships and relationships with self. In a nutshell, I learned how to love myself and practice true self-care.
As I learned to love myself, I began to find more of my true self emerging. Every day, I learn more about who God has created me to become.
While this may appear selfish, this new found love for myself meant that I had to learn to love in new ways, more perfect ways. And the best, and most perfect love for Adam is to be honest with him. Our conversations have been incredibly painful, full of regret, and anger and certainly resentment.
But the decision that we came to together is that in order for us to love each other well, to give our children the healthiest, most joyful family, it means our family has to live separately.
The brokenness of broken homes is really only present if the parents can't step aside long enough to let healing begin. And so breaking up our little family is the most painful act we will go through. But, we will sit with our children through the pain and we will depend on many to help sit with our children in their pain.
So, I (Deven) ask for your prayers or good thoughts. If you would like to know more, we may share and we may not. The story certainly has two sides (or more!), so please ask one of us directly.
I do hope to share more of my journey some day, but for now, it is what grounds me. But please know that neither of us plan to be completely absent from each other's family. We may not be present for a little while and that is okay. Or, we may be present and if it is awkward we'll tell you.
And to some of you, please answer if we need to call you. We will need support in ways we never dreamed of.
I (Deven) hope to celebrate our divorce with a ceremony and party. Adam still thinks it is kinda weird. It is, but i like ritual. So stay tuned--- you may be invited to your first divorce ceremony!
Thank you in advance for your thoughts prayers and love. Please let us know if you have any questions. Happy Divorcing!
grace and peace,
Deven
I did not post the article to leave a cryptic message about my life, but in many ways, that's what happened. My 14 year marriage will end in divorce towards the end of the summer.
No, there is no scandal to share and yes, it is mutual. I can't say that we are immune to scandal or mistakes, OR that we haven't already regretted the decision. If you want more details; please ask.
While I have many regrets about life and marriage, I will never regret marrying Adam-- making a choice to commit to a lifelong relationship and meaning it as best I possibly could with everything I knew and experienced at the time. I have a lifelong friend that will understand me better than most others, someone that has seen me in a great deal of both emotional and physical pain, someone who knows me at my worst and best self.
And he has given me life's gift of children and a dog. I will never be able to express my gratitude in full.
At this point in my life's journey, I have decided that I love Adam in a way that not many will ever understand. In order for me to love him in my way, I have to let him go.
It has taken me YEARS to convince myself divorce is okay. As a Pastor, I try my hardest (most days) to never preach anything I couldn't uphold myself. While I have failed many, many times; I believe I can preach and officiate God-ordained unions and still hold my head up. It is only because of God's unconditional love and grace that gives me this confidence.
While marriage may never be in my future, I do know that I am worthy of being loved and loving someone.
Our divorce and marriage is and was as with everyone, very complex. We are both products of our families and learned to be in relationship with each other as individuals from different family systems.
I speak for myself only here. I am a codependent warrior. I fix things and people and take care of those around me. When I got ill after my neck surgery (2010), I was incredibly depressed, fighting for my life as undiagnosed joint pain & fatigue continued to get worse and worse. I've struggled and fought for five years with Primary Sjogren's Syndrome.
In year two of my struggle, I was given the gift of a Chaplain Residency at the James H. Quillen VA Medical Center. While learning to care for others, I learned how to take care of myself. This is something we ALL must learn on our own---no matter how healthy or dysfunctional of a family we have. Sometimes relatively healthy families fail to understand their own relationships and relationships with self. In a nutshell, I learned how to love myself and practice true self-care.
As I learned to love myself, I began to find more of my true self emerging. Every day, I learn more about who God has created me to become.
While this may appear selfish, this new found love for myself meant that I had to learn to love in new ways, more perfect ways. And the best, and most perfect love for Adam is to be honest with him. Our conversations have been incredibly painful, full of regret, and anger and certainly resentment.
But the decision that we came to together is that in order for us to love each other well, to give our children the healthiest, most joyful family, it means our family has to live separately.
The brokenness of broken homes is really only present if the parents can't step aside long enough to let healing begin. And so breaking up our little family is the most painful act we will go through. But, we will sit with our children through the pain and we will depend on many to help sit with our children in their pain.
So, I (Deven) ask for your prayers or good thoughts. If you would like to know more, we may share and we may not. The story certainly has two sides (or more!), so please ask one of us directly.
I do hope to share more of my journey some day, but for now, it is what grounds me. But please know that neither of us plan to be completely absent from each other's family. We may not be present for a little while and that is okay. Or, we may be present and if it is awkward we'll tell you.
And to some of you, please answer if we need to call you. We will need support in ways we never dreamed of.
I (Deven) hope to celebrate our divorce with a ceremony and party. Adam still thinks it is kinda weird. It is, but i like ritual. So stay tuned--- you may be invited to your first divorce ceremony!
Thank you in advance for your thoughts prayers and love. Please let us know if you have any questions. Happy Divorcing!
grace and peace,
Deven
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