Tonight I write in memory of Renae Frame Hudson. She was one of the most beautiful, amazing souls I can remember from childhood/teenage years. Cancer took her life this evening.
And also tonight, I sat at Nelson Fine Art Center in Johnson City, TN to be entertained by friends in what they call the Dada Cabaret. I was entertained, but as with all theatre and good writing, my soul was nourished. We also talked about cancer tonight. We also heard about a woman dying of cancer, surrounded by her family. Very different circumstances. In fact, one death was reality and the other imagination, but both truth.
And last night, in the middle of the night, I woke and couldn't go back to sleep. I found a post linking me to a transcript with Steve Jobs Stanford University speech. There is a beautiful video as well. Here are a few portions of the speech that kept me awake last night (and again tonight).
"When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. (cont. below) Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart....
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition....
....Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. Thank you all very much."
See more at: http://www.ouramazingworld.org/life/dont-listen-to-other-peoples-advice-words-of-wisdom-for-every-generation
For a few days now, Renae's community has been writing through facebook words of support and love. People have shared beautiful stories of Renae's spirit, her life, and her love. And people have also shared scripture as they share the hope of resurrection of the body and the hope of eternal life. These are all Christian beliefs, beliefs that I mostly share with this community.
Even as a Pastor, someone inspired by both Renae and her husband Chad- my youth minister as a middle school kid, even I have doubts about what is beyond. Not because I don't believe there is a kingdom of heaven somewhere or that God doesn't exist, but because we focus so much of our energy on what is beyond, what happens after death. Yes, many of us believe it will be wonderful, there will be freedom. Phyllis Tickle, one of our greatest theologians of this time, just passed away this week from, yes, cancer. She speaks about her near death experience as a young adult- and how that shaped her to never fear death again.
While many deaths I've witnessed have been incredibly beautiful and peaceful, still yet there are many that hold on. For some of us, the scriptures just aren't enough. For some of us, stories of near-death isn't enough. We forget about this life we have here. And so I do wonder if we were to live into the motto to stay hungry, stay foolish that we might model the greatest saints. We might find that our divine light shines through so others call and see us as beautiful. I wonder if we will forget that we have absolutely nothing in life that is worth holding onto if it is not the parts that make up the sum of our heart. It's what Phyllis Tickle describes as #freedom. The video of her is not after her cancer diagnosis. This video is a few years old, when she was living-- healthy as she knew at the time. She was living in freedom before she knew death would be coming.
http://www.theworkofthepeople.com/tickle-on-her-death-bed
So Renae, thank you for sharing your freedom in life and in death with the world. Your light shines even now. We are angry, we are sad, we are confused, hurt, and pissed. We also share the wonder, and the mystery of death and resurrection. And we are reminded to love and follow our heart. Thank you for living and dying with so much beauty that we can make way for the new in our lives. May you rest in peace, beautiful soul.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Monday, August 10, 2015
I don't need a savior
This has been brewing in me for a few days and tonight, one of the most talented, funny, beautiful, gifted persons I know shared a very vulnerable story through a facebook post. I'll share the basics (and MY interpretation because I'm keeping it vague and I don't have the full story).
Another one of God's children has become a "none". My friend has been hurt by the church, and even more so has not felt God's spirit, voice, anything. nothing. just silence. And sometimes when the church can't get things right and God's silence spans too many years, we can't stand the abuse anymore. This friend shared the wound tonight. It is heartbreaking for many reasons.
And not to minimize anyone's story, but this experience is way too common that they've actually created a term called "Post Traumatic Church Syndrome" (it's also a book). I'm not too keen on the title after working with veterans, but honestly, the amount of hurt and pain can be equal.
So my title is about those that have left the church, those we consider the "nones", and those still attending this institution we call church- and we use the beautiful language: "i'm in need of a savior". It's beautiful because Jars of Clay pops in my head every time I think of that line. But it's not so beautiful because it's created an entire Christian culture where we guilt ourselves into belief, where shame manages our mask, and we create a culture of codependency.
We guilt ourselves and our children into belief when we hear not the story of Jesus Christ and his teachings- his greatest commandment to Love God & Love our neighbor as ourselves; but when we hear the "Roman road" or the "plan of salvation". We hear, see, sing, watch years and years of church history, philosophy, and theology unfold before our eyes. Wait, we don't. Instead, we hear a very narrow perspective, a reaction perhaps, layperson's terms to grace and sanctification and justification and all those big words. They are summed up in a sinner's prayer. God died for us because we were sinners. These words written to a church thousands of years ago, now held on by us. We need a savior. We are bad, bad people. And so we guilt ourselves into believing. Not many want to stay "evil" or go to hell.
But, we've been guilted into salvation and wake up the next day, week, year and we are still the same person we once were. We hide those parts of ourselves that desire things. We think only of the good and pure things, only heavenly things- Jesus things. We strive to be "like" someone, forgetting that our greatest teacher told us to love and not be anxious. Instead, we put on our masks and hide parts of ourselves from most of the world. We get pretty good at this, some of us are experts. But this mask is only a mask- our shame has consumed us completely. And we are left believing that we are still that sinner, still in need of a savior. We believe that something must be wrong with us. We try harder and we press on like Paul tells us. We don't ever give up and let that mask come off because then it would be like before. We are saved we tell ourselves. Saved, for God's sake! But shame has taken over our life.
And this culture of codependency... this is a huge word and even bigger topic and could and probably already is a book. But, for me, it's how it makes sense tonight. But, this culture of codependency tells us that if we aren't right with God, then we gotta fix things. We pray more, we study the Bible more, we go to church more, we trust in God more, and if we don't- then what will happen? I won't even go there. AND we don't stop at fixing ourselves. We want to fix others. And so when we so politely tell a friend that God spoke to me the other day and I just know I'm supposed to ask you about your.... let me help you. Or we run to the street corner to save somebody that doesn't want saving. It's a culture. It's not being evangelistic or missional. We have to fix things and save everyone for Jesus. What in the world would happen if it weren't for us?
Well, let me tell you. The Creator of the WORLD would keep things running. And the creator of all the children of God would continue to make all things new and would continue to call all the peoples of the Earth- children. Yes, I get it- the world is filled with chaos and evil and violence. (That's another post). For now, though, the world will keep going if we don't "fix" everything.
And so I say that I don't need a savior because I believe that before I was born that God was already within me. You can call it what you want-- "jesus in my heart", my divine spark, the holy spirit, my true self, my enlightenment, God. I was created perfectly to love God, love others, and love myself.
In order for ourselves to feel God again, for our churches and communities of faith to welcome back the "nones" and those wounded by the church; we must be willing to rethink how guilt, shame, and codependency can be recreated to grace, mercy, peace, compassion, and most of all: love.
Another one of God's children has become a "none". My friend has been hurt by the church, and even more so has not felt God's spirit, voice, anything. nothing. just silence. And sometimes when the church can't get things right and God's silence spans too many years, we can't stand the abuse anymore. This friend shared the wound tonight. It is heartbreaking for many reasons.
And not to minimize anyone's story, but this experience is way too common that they've actually created a term called "Post Traumatic Church Syndrome" (it's also a book). I'm not too keen on the title after working with veterans, but honestly, the amount of hurt and pain can be equal.
So my title is about those that have left the church, those we consider the "nones", and those still attending this institution we call church- and we use the beautiful language: "i'm in need of a savior". It's beautiful because Jars of Clay pops in my head every time I think of that line. But it's not so beautiful because it's created an entire Christian culture where we guilt ourselves into belief, where shame manages our mask, and we create a culture of codependency.
We guilt ourselves and our children into belief when we hear not the story of Jesus Christ and his teachings- his greatest commandment to Love God & Love our neighbor as ourselves; but when we hear the "Roman road" or the "plan of salvation". We hear, see, sing, watch years and years of church history, philosophy, and theology unfold before our eyes. Wait, we don't. Instead, we hear a very narrow perspective, a reaction perhaps, layperson's terms to grace and sanctification and justification and all those big words. They are summed up in a sinner's prayer. God died for us because we were sinners. These words written to a church thousands of years ago, now held on by us. We need a savior. We are bad, bad people. And so we guilt ourselves into believing. Not many want to stay "evil" or go to hell.
But, we've been guilted into salvation and wake up the next day, week, year and we are still the same person we once were. We hide those parts of ourselves that desire things. We think only of the good and pure things, only heavenly things- Jesus things. We strive to be "like" someone, forgetting that our greatest teacher told us to love and not be anxious. Instead, we put on our masks and hide parts of ourselves from most of the world. We get pretty good at this, some of us are experts. But this mask is only a mask- our shame has consumed us completely. And we are left believing that we are still that sinner, still in need of a savior. We believe that something must be wrong with us. We try harder and we press on like Paul tells us. We don't ever give up and let that mask come off because then it would be like before. We are saved we tell ourselves. Saved, for God's sake! But shame has taken over our life.
And this culture of codependency... this is a huge word and even bigger topic and could and probably already is a book. But, for me, it's how it makes sense tonight. But, this culture of codependency tells us that if we aren't right with God, then we gotta fix things. We pray more, we study the Bible more, we go to church more, we trust in God more, and if we don't- then what will happen? I won't even go there. AND we don't stop at fixing ourselves. We want to fix others. And so when we so politely tell a friend that God spoke to me the other day and I just know I'm supposed to ask you about your.... let me help you. Or we run to the street corner to save somebody that doesn't want saving. It's a culture. It's not being evangelistic or missional. We have to fix things and save everyone for Jesus. What in the world would happen if it weren't for us?
Well, let me tell you. The Creator of the WORLD would keep things running. And the creator of all the children of God would continue to make all things new and would continue to call all the peoples of the Earth- children. Yes, I get it- the world is filled with chaos and evil and violence. (That's another post). For now, though, the world will keep going if we don't "fix" everything.
And so I say that I don't need a savior because I believe that before I was born that God was already within me. You can call it what you want-- "jesus in my heart", my divine spark, the holy spirit, my true self, my enlightenment, God. I was created perfectly to love God, love others, and love myself.
In order for ourselves to feel God again, for our churches and communities of faith to welcome back the "nones" and those wounded by the church; we must be willing to rethink how guilt, shame, and codependency can be recreated to grace, mercy, peace, compassion, and most of all: love.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
The News
Last week I posted an article about life after divorce. There were pictures of happy families after the dreaded 'divorce'. The pictures were beautiful for anyone; married, divorced, separated, or widowed. They were a reminder that life gives us second chances and God's grace is way more than sufficient for us.
I did not post the article to leave a cryptic message about my life, but in many ways, that's what happened. My 14 year marriage will end in divorce towards the end of the summer.
No, there is no scandal to share and yes, it is mutual. I can't say that we are immune to scandal or mistakes, OR that we haven't already regretted the decision. If you want more details; please ask.
While I have many regrets about life and marriage, I will never regret marrying Adam-- making a choice to commit to a lifelong relationship and meaning it as best I possibly could with everything I knew and experienced at the time. I have a lifelong friend that will understand me better than most others, someone that has seen me in a great deal of both emotional and physical pain, someone who knows me at my worst and best self.
And he has given me life's gift of children and a dog. I will never be able to express my gratitude in full.
At this point in my life's journey, I have decided that I love Adam in a way that not many will ever understand. In order for me to love him in my way, I have to let him go.
It has taken me YEARS to convince myself divorce is okay. As a Pastor, I try my hardest (most days) to never preach anything I couldn't uphold myself. While I have failed many, many times; I believe I can preach and officiate God-ordained unions and still hold my head up. It is only because of God's unconditional love and grace that gives me this confidence.
While marriage may never be in my future, I do know that I am worthy of being loved and loving someone.
Our divorce and marriage is and was as with everyone, very complex. We are both products of our families and learned to be in relationship with each other as individuals from different family systems.
I speak for myself only here. I am a codependent warrior. I fix things and people and take care of those around me. When I got ill after my neck surgery (2010), I was incredibly depressed, fighting for my life as undiagnosed joint pain & fatigue continued to get worse and worse. I've struggled and fought for five years with Primary Sjogren's Syndrome.
In year two of my struggle, I was given the gift of a Chaplain Residency at the James H. Quillen VA Medical Center. While learning to care for others, I learned how to take care of myself. This is something we ALL must learn on our own---no matter how healthy or dysfunctional of a family we have. Sometimes relatively healthy families fail to understand their own relationships and relationships with self. In a nutshell, I learned how to love myself and practice true self-care.
As I learned to love myself, I began to find more of my true self emerging. Every day, I learn more about who God has created me to become.
While this may appear selfish, this new found love for myself meant that I had to learn to love in new ways, more perfect ways. And the best, and most perfect love for Adam is to be honest with him. Our conversations have been incredibly painful, full of regret, and anger and certainly resentment.
But the decision that we came to together is that in order for us to love each other well, to give our children the healthiest, most joyful family, it means our family has to live separately.
The brokenness of broken homes is really only present if the parents can't step aside long enough to let healing begin. And so breaking up our little family is the most painful act we will go through. But, we will sit with our children through the pain and we will depend on many to help sit with our children in their pain.
So, I (Deven) ask for your prayers or good thoughts. If you would like to know more, we may share and we may not. The story certainly has two sides (or more!), so please ask one of us directly.
I do hope to share more of my journey some day, but for now, it is what grounds me. But please know that neither of us plan to be completely absent from each other's family. We may not be present for a little while and that is okay. Or, we may be present and if it is awkward we'll tell you.
And to some of you, please answer if we need to call you. We will need support in ways we never dreamed of.
I (Deven) hope to celebrate our divorce with a ceremony and party. Adam still thinks it is kinda weird. It is, but i like ritual. So stay tuned--- you may be invited to your first divorce ceremony!
Thank you in advance for your thoughts prayers and love. Please let us know if you have any questions. Happy Divorcing!
grace and peace,
Deven
I did not post the article to leave a cryptic message about my life, but in many ways, that's what happened. My 14 year marriage will end in divorce towards the end of the summer.
No, there is no scandal to share and yes, it is mutual. I can't say that we are immune to scandal or mistakes, OR that we haven't already regretted the decision. If you want more details; please ask.
While I have many regrets about life and marriage, I will never regret marrying Adam-- making a choice to commit to a lifelong relationship and meaning it as best I possibly could with everything I knew and experienced at the time. I have a lifelong friend that will understand me better than most others, someone that has seen me in a great deal of both emotional and physical pain, someone who knows me at my worst and best self.
And he has given me life's gift of children and a dog. I will never be able to express my gratitude in full.
At this point in my life's journey, I have decided that I love Adam in a way that not many will ever understand. In order for me to love him in my way, I have to let him go.
It has taken me YEARS to convince myself divorce is okay. As a Pastor, I try my hardest (most days) to never preach anything I couldn't uphold myself. While I have failed many, many times; I believe I can preach and officiate God-ordained unions and still hold my head up. It is only because of God's unconditional love and grace that gives me this confidence.
While marriage may never be in my future, I do know that I am worthy of being loved and loving someone.
Our divorce and marriage is and was as with everyone, very complex. We are both products of our families and learned to be in relationship with each other as individuals from different family systems.
I speak for myself only here. I am a codependent warrior. I fix things and people and take care of those around me. When I got ill after my neck surgery (2010), I was incredibly depressed, fighting for my life as undiagnosed joint pain & fatigue continued to get worse and worse. I've struggled and fought for five years with Primary Sjogren's Syndrome.
In year two of my struggle, I was given the gift of a Chaplain Residency at the James H. Quillen VA Medical Center. While learning to care for others, I learned how to take care of myself. This is something we ALL must learn on our own---no matter how healthy or dysfunctional of a family we have. Sometimes relatively healthy families fail to understand their own relationships and relationships with self. In a nutshell, I learned how to love myself and practice true self-care.
As I learned to love myself, I began to find more of my true self emerging. Every day, I learn more about who God has created me to become.
While this may appear selfish, this new found love for myself meant that I had to learn to love in new ways, more perfect ways. And the best, and most perfect love for Adam is to be honest with him. Our conversations have been incredibly painful, full of regret, and anger and certainly resentment.
But the decision that we came to together is that in order for us to love each other well, to give our children the healthiest, most joyful family, it means our family has to live separately.
The brokenness of broken homes is really only present if the parents can't step aside long enough to let healing begin. And so breaking up our little family is the most painful act we will go through. But, we will sit with our children through the pain and we will depend on many to help sit with our children in their pain.
So, I (Deven) ask for your prayers or good thoughts. If you would like to know more, we may share and we may not. The story certainly has two sides (or more!), so please ask one of us directly.
I do hope to share more of my journey some day, but for now, it is what grounds me. But please know that neither of us plan to be completely absent from each other's family. We may not be present for a little while and that is okay. Or, we may be present and if it is awkward we'll tell you.
And to some of you, please answer if we need to call you. We will need support in ways we never dreamed of.
I (Deven) hope to celebrate our divorce with a ceremony and party. Adam still thinks it is kinda weird. It is, but i like ritual. So stay tuned--- you may be invited to your first divorce ceremony!
Thank you in advance for your thoughts prayers and love. Please let us know if you have any questions. Happy Divorcing!
grace and peace,
Deven
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
"Fear" rules the world...with truth and grace...and makes the nations prove...
It keeps coming back to fear...
Every so often I read or preach or see something on the news that reminds me that fear paralyzes us to an extent that we are not capable of being our true selves as long as we continue to allow (i use passive voice-- or what i think is passive voice! on purpose here...) but we continue to allow fear to rule our lives. You may think...so what, this is a psychological issue... or emotions we have naturally. But it is not.
Fear is one of the most spiritual emotions we are blessed with. It is no longer a blessing when it begins to slowly paralyze our true self, our God-given self- not the self we think we should be or the self we've created to hide with. Now, let me back up a little bit.
I have two beautiful, wonderful children. And I was able to carry both my children to full-term. Both were quite large babies due to my, um, love of food and some genetics. So.. I was induced with both kids so they wouldn't hit the 40 week mark and come out 12 pounds. When a woman is induced in labor, there are many ways to "speed up" the labor, but most are given a medicine called Pitocin. For my first child, I was given pitocin slowly, then had my water broken, and then the doctor (being afraid that I'd labor for more than 24 hours and get an infection) increased my dosage quickly (side note- my labor took about 7 hours). My second labor seemed to progress without as much pitocin, but yet when both labors arrived at the transitional labor stages, I freaked out. I knew what to expect with my second baby and so refused my epidural until about 7 cm- which BTW- there is a reason they don't normally give them at that late stage! They don't work as well! (another side note- epidurals slow the labor progress--which is one reason to wait)
So, with my second child, I knew what to expect. I knew what the horrible contractions felt like and I was prepared. I can't say that I was doing anything right breathing through them, but they weren't as horrible as I remembered. Then... my little bundle of joy began the journey to birth, which is um... transitional labor. I'll spare you the details because this is not my point!! But, transitional labor is VERY different than the preceding contractions. The body is doing everything to get a child out and so I was no longer in the horrible pain that contractions have, but instead was in a horrible pressure. NO ONE tells you about the pressure. oh...you'll feel some pressure with the contractions at this point. But, dang it. IT IS THE WORST. There is no comparison to even contractions brought on by pitocin (which i obviously don't know the difference- but I've heard they are worse than natural!) Why oh why did I agree to drug myself to push this kid out? FEAR And why is this pressure so dang horrible? FEAR!!!
When women get to the stage of labor that is so painful, but yet so new, they/I begin/began to fear. I thought my insides were going to rip open and I would die. I feared the pain would get worse. I feared my nine and a half pound child would be too big. When I began to fear- the pain got way worse. I began to focus on my fears, instead of the job of laboring to bring a new life into the world. I gave up on my job because I was afraid. I went for the epidural to help me through. I had no complications and my son was perfect.
My point?
Our lives are so focused on what we fear that we could even categorize products that we buy and sell as "fear developing aids" or some better, actual clever title. Seriously, I had to buy a face mask for my 7 year old daughter last year so she could play softball. In my day, we just took one to the face of nose. Really though, how many 7 & 8 year old children throw or hit hard enough to warrant a face mask?
So, because I've spent more than half this post explaining my childbirth labor fear, I'd like to challenge us to do an inventory on our homes and lives. How many products do we own that are based in fear? Where do we draw the line between "caring for ourselves" and "fearing for the future". Here's an example: We have found that fluoride strengthens teeth. So, we brush with paste and gel that has fluoride in it. OR....we have heard that fluoride is toxic to our bodies and so we buy an alternative toothpaste and drink only filtered, bottled, special water without fluoride. Now, my autoimmune disease causes severe dry mouth, causing many of us quick tooth decay. I actually own a bottle of fluoride. I'm supposed to brush it on every night before bedtime to help protect my teeth from early decay-- most of us lose teeth in our 40's and 50's. Where do I draw the line to take care of myself without living in fear that I too, will lose my teeth if I don't use fluoride now? I know this seems like a silly question, but I believe this question is SO MUCH bigger than toothpaste.
What do you fear? How do your fears paralyze you? How do your fears prevent you from becoming your true self, the person God created and loves? And last one for today, how can we live "in Christ" but be fearful of most everything around us? One of the most common phrases we read from Jesus is: Do not be afraid! Do not fear! God even sent angels to remind us not to fear. So why do allow fear to rule our lives instead of the Creator of the Universe?
**A note** I don't write things like this a lot and so I have to put a disclaimer on here...that I am in no way immune to fear-even life-paralyzing fear. It is one reason why I am writing...to answer for myself. I've just invited some facebook friends that haven't blocked or unfriended me along. And...I hope to share more about my fears as I journey. Thanks for reading today and to my grammar friends- my apologies for breaking a few rules I don't remember learning.
Every so often I read or preach or see something on the news that reminds me that fear paralyzes us to an extent that we are not capable of being our true selves as long as we continue to allow (i use passive voice-- or what i think is passive voice! on purpose here...) but we continue to allow fear to rule our lives. You may think...so what, this is a psychological issue... or emotions we have naturally. But it is not.
Fear is one of the most spiritual emotions we are blessed with. It is no longer a blessing when it begins to slowly paralyze our true self, our God-given self- not the self we think we should be or the self we've created to hide with. Now, let me back up a little bit.
I have two beautiful, wonderful children. And I was able to carry both my children to full-term. Both were quite large babies due to my, um, love of food and some genetics. So.. I was induced with both kids so they wouldn't hit the 40 week mark and come out 12 pounds. When a woman is induced in labor, there are many ways to "speed up" the labor, but most are given a medicine called Pitocin. For my first child, I was given pitocin slowly, then had my water broken, and then the doctor (being afraid that I'd labor for more than 24 hours and get an infection) increased my dosage quickly (side note- my labor took about 7 hours). My second labor seemed to progress without as much pitocin, but yet when both labors arrived at the transitional labor stages, I freaked out. I knew what to expect with my second baby and so refused my epidural until about 7 cm- which BTW- there is a reason they don't normally give them at that late stage! They don't work as well! (another side note- epidurals slow the labor progress--which is one reason to wait)
So, with my second child, I knew what to expect. I knew what the horrible contractions felt like and I was prepared. I can't say that I was doing anything right breathing through them, but they weren't as horrible as I remembered. Then... my little bundle of joy began the journey to birth, which is um... transitional labor. I'll spare you the details because this is not my point!! But, transitional labor is VERY different than the preceding contractions. The body is doing everything to get a child out and so I was no longer in the horrible pain that contractions have, but instead was in a horrible pressure. NO ONE tells you about the pressure. oh...you'll feel some pressure with the contractions at this point. But, dang it. IT IS THE WORST. There is no comparison to even contractions brought on by pitocin (which i obviously don't know the difference- but I've heard they are worse than natural!) Why oh why did I agree to drug myself to push this kid out? FEAR And why is this pressure so dang horrible? FEAR!!!
When women get to the stage of labor that is so painful, but yet so new, they/I begin/began to fear. I thought my insides were going to rip open and I would die. I feared the pain would get worse. I feared my nine and a half pound child would be too big. When I began to fear- the pain got way worse. I began to focus on my fears, instead of the job of laboring to bring a new life into the world. I gave up on my job because I was afraid. I went for the epidural to help me through. I had no complications and my son was perfect.
My point?
Our lives are so focused on what we fear that we could even categorize products that we buy and sell as "fear developing aids" or some better, actual clever title. Seriously, I had to buy a face mask for my 7 year old daughter last year so she could play softball. In my day, we just took one to the face of nose. Really though, how many 7 & 8 year old children throw or hit hard enough to warrant a face mask?
So, because I've spent more than half this post explaining my childbirth labor fear, I'd like to challenge us to do an inventory on our homes and lives. How many products do we own that are based in fear? Where do we draw the line between "caring for ourselves" and "fearing for the future". Here's an example: We have found that fluoride strengthens teeth. So, we brush with paste and gel that has fluoride in it. OR....we have heard that fluoride is toxic to our bodies and so we buy an alternative toothpaste and drink only filtered, bottled, special water without fluoride. Now, my autoimmune disease causes severe dry mouth, causing many of us quick tooth decay. I actually own a bottle of fluoride. I'm supposed to brush it on every night before bedtime to help protect my teeth from early decay-- most of us lose teeth in our 40's and 50's. Where do I draw the line to take care of myself without living in fear that I too, will lose my teeth if I don't use fluoride now? I know this seems like a silly question, but I believe this question is SO MUCH bigger than toothpaste.
What do you fear? How do your fears paralyze you? How do your fears prevent you from becoming your true self, the person God created and loves? And last one for today, how can we live "in Christ" but be fearful of most everything around us? One of the most common phrases we read from Jesus is: Do not be afraid! Do not fear! God even sent angels to remind us not to fear. So why do allow fear to rule our lives instead of the Creator of the Universe?
**A note** I don't write things like this a lot and so I have to put a disclaimer on here...that I am in no way immune to fear-even life-paralyzing fear. It is one reason why I am writing...to answer for myself. I've just invited some facebook friends that haven't blocked or unfriended me along. And...I hope to share more about my fears as I journey. Thanks for reading today and to my grammar friends- my apologies for breaking a few rules I don't remember learning.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
a little venting about Christians
GOD TREASURES CHRISTIANS
That was the latest Church sign that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. This is the nice church I drive by almost every day up on a hill out of the way, they keep their grass cut beautifully. Isaac loved looking out the window of his preschool at the church across the street. Their sign has never really been 'annoying'. By annoying, I mean every week there is some Christian cliche that makes you wonder if pagans would ever walk in a church again after seeing that quote.
But this one did it. People may argue with me that it is all the medicine I take, but ever since my CPE residency I have the ability to sit in an anger filled rage, but appear to be in a zen state. So as I shook my head, I decided not to drive the car into the sign. Really, we only have one car that works again this month so we need our trusty car.
So what passage did I preach on last week, but Luke 15-- the lost coin and lost sheep. You know, the one where God treasures the LOST. There are no more labels. non-christian, christian just lost. and not lost- those with the rest- the 99 that are waiting, in community, the other coins waiting. those who rejoice and party with the shepherd and the woman. the community.
I SO WANTED to include a 10 minute rant on this in my sermon, but did NOT as I had used crazy sign man a few weeks ago as a sermon illustration. (he's the crazy fundamentalist who believes everyone is going to hell for something, seriously- you are a woman, you got a tattoo, you are gay and he puts signs up in his yard for all who drive by to see on a very busy road- hwy 36 where i live)...
But, one thing I did say on Sunday, I had learned while studying. In my most beloved commentary Feasting on the Word Commentary, the author pointed out the difference between 'saving' the lost and 'welcoming' the lost. I had never put it together...all these years. When we use terms like 'saving' souls or lost or non-christian or pagans, we have power 'over'. This is not the way of Jesus. (ps. apologies to you author if i have totally messed with your intent)
Instead, we welcome the lost into our communities of faith & doubt and anything in between. We welcome each other, because many days we are the lost. We may not be far off, but right in the middle of the action believing that WE ARE THE ONLY ONES.
If I read Luke 15 correctly, God does not treasure Christians, God treasures all God's people and it may even appear that God treasures the 'lost' more than those who are not.
So please if you decide to call yourself a Christian, please, please, please stop making it so damn easy for the rest of humanity to ignore you. We don't want to be a part of your exclusive club.
We want to party with the woman who found her coin, learn what it means to rejoice as a community, and welcome whoever walks in and out the door.
Welcome Home. Welcome Home. I'd say.
That was the latest Church sign that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. This is the nice church I drive by almost every day up on a hill out of the way, they keep their grass cut beautifully. Isaac loved looking out the window of his preschool at the church across the street. Their sign has never really been 'annoying'. By annoying, I mean every week there is some Christian cliche that makes you wonder if pagans would ever walk in a church again after seeing that quote.
But this one did it. People may argue with me that it is all the medicine I take, but ever since my CPE residency I have the ability to sit in an anger filled rage, but appear to be in a zen state. So as I shook my head, I decided not to drive the car into the sign. Really, we only have one car that works again this month so we need our trusty car.
So what passage did I preach on last week, but Luke 15-- the lost coin and lost sheep. You know, the one where God treasures the LOST. There are no more labels. non-christian, christian just lost. and not lost- those with the rest- the 99 that are waiting, in community, the other coins waiting. those who rejoice and party with the shepherd and the woman. the community.
I SO WANTED to include a 10 minute rant on this in my sermon, but did NOT as I had used crazy sign man a few weeks ago as a sermon illustration. (he's the crazy fundamentalist who believes everyone is going to hell for something, seriously- you are a woman, you got a tattoo, you are gay and he puts signs up in his yard for all who drive by to see on a very busy road- hwy 36 where i live)...
But, one thing I did say on Sunday, I had learned while studying. In my most beloved commentary Feasting on the Word Commentary, the author pointed out the difference between 'saving' the lost and 'welcoming' the lost. I had never put it together...all these years. When we use terms like 'saving' souls or lost or non-christian or pagans, we have power 'over'. This is not the way of Jesus. (ps. apologies to you author if i have totally messed with your intent)
Instead, we welcome the lost into our communities of faith & doubt and anything in between. We welcome each other, because many days we are the lost. We may not be far off, but right in the middle of the action believing that WE ARE THE ONLY ONES.
If I read Luke 15 correctly, God does not treasure Christians, God treasures all God's people and it may even appear that God treasures the 'lost' more than those who are not.
So please if you decide to call yourself a Christian, please, please, please stop making it so damn easy for the rest of humanity to ignore you. We don't want to be a part of your exclusive club.
We want to party with the woman who found her coin, learn what it means to rejoice as a community, and welcome whoever walks in and out the door.
Welcome Home. Welcome Home. I'd say.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
the public shame of invisible illness
I learn new things every week with this whole Sjogren's thing. A few weeks ago, I was convinced my spleen was enlarged and so when the pain was pretty bad with my pain meds, I moved up my Rheumatologist appointment one day (they had a cancellation- i got lucky!). The pain wasn't too horrible when I arrived or during the appointment, but when I explained that it wasn't gas or chest pain, he began to poke around. It hurts here and not here, right? um yea. and here, but not here, right? um, yea, that's weird, I swear, it was like under my rib cage, but it feels like my chest cavity hurts. So, of course I don't remember the name for it, but I officially have inflammation in my chest. Yea, wherever there are joints, I'll have pain. And if it can hurt like almost a 7 on the pain scale AFTER a pain medicine, I'm afraid what it'll feel like some day unmedicated. But, I wasn't really that embarrassed to tell my Rheumatologist that my spleen is enlarged. He understands my need to research my symptoms, educate me on sjogren's, and even allow me to start and stop medications when I feel I need to (that was another part of the visit- i started back on methotrexate and then informed him during the visit and asked for refills).
But here is where last weekend Sjogrens took over my life for a second. I mean, my life is chaotic anyway. I play many roles and coordinate many schedules. That's what Pastors do. That's what parents do. Coaching tee ball has taken over my life for almost three months. And so when another parent was willing to plan our end of the season party, I was so grateful. I had researched a few trophy places, but hadn't ordered them yet. Last week, I realized the party would be on Sunday and that meant I should have had trophies ordered weeks ago. I had been waiting on parents for some help with 'superlatives' so we could engrave them on the trophies, but then realized I couldn't wait any more. After visiting two different shops in person last Tuesday, I returned to my favorite on Wednesday and met the owner. He had coached little league for 28 years and was so friendly, helpful, and even willing to get the trophies done in two days so we could have them for our party that weekend.
So Friday, I picked them up. Nope. That's not how my brain works anymore. Instead, I spent the morning getting the antibiotics and steroids to take care of the chest cold my immune system can't get rid of because I've taken too much methotrexate lately. Instead, I remembered to bring tape to the booth where I had promised to volunteer a few months ago. I spent a mere two hours sitting in while the all day volunteers had lunch. Instead, our family did end up in the Johnson City Press at the Blue Plum Festival! And when we returned home, I finally figured out why I felt that nagging feeling all day long. That piece in my brain that was there, but I couldn't grasp it. It's like when there are words that I can't find. Or when names are lost. But somehow I remember numbers and street addresses. I can probably stalk someone quite well. But at 6:30pm Friday evening, I realized I had forgotten to pick up the trophies for our tee ball party. I called the shop and let it ring about 20 times till their machine picked up and left a joyful message, hey, if you are there on Saturday...
Our last tee ball game was Saturday morning and so I decided one last time, to ask about our numbers. We expected a good turnout and so I confided in a trusting parent (the superstar that planned the party). As I began to tear up, she said, do you have the number... and the phone number rolled off my lips...282... like, how the hell can I remember a freakin phone number, but forget to pick up a box of trophies that I ordered two days prior with a bunch of hoopla surrounding it?
I walked to the car defeated, like this was the part of being the coach that I was so excited about from the beginning. My memory/brain fog, my sjogrens brain continues to lose 'function'. I feel as if I should identify as a 70 year old...this is a part of sjogrens that is so difficult to prove, but that on all patient support sites identify as a primary symptom. But it isn't who I am. I do not live in brain fog all the time. My eyes are not bone dry all the time. My mouth is always dry. My joints hurt all the time, but not horribly all the time.
Maybe someday, I'll be able to say I have Sjogrens. Sometimes I can forget very important details and I apologize for that. I'd love to volunteer or lead this, but could someone help remind me?
And as far as the trophies go. I went with the right trophy place. Choosing a place where the owner is also a little league coach pays off when you need to get your trophies on a Saturday evening. It also pays to trust others and let them help you when you've forgotten something or messed up. I don't think she realizes how much of a sjogren's hero she became for me last weekend, but it's why I share with you all. Thank you to others who have been heros for those of us with autoimmune disorders and other invisible illnesses.
"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you--all of the expectations, all of the beliefs--and becoming who you are."---Rachel Naomi Remen
But here is where last weekend Sjogrens took over my life for a second. I mean, my life is chaotic anyway. I play many roles and coordinate many schedules. That's what Pastors do. That's what parents do. Coaching tee ball has taken over my life for almost three months. And so when another parent was willing to plan our end of the season party, I was so grateful. I had researched a few trophy places, but hadn't ordered them yet. Last week, I realized the party would be on Sunday and that meant I should have had trophies ordered weeks ago. I had been waiting on parents for some help with 'superlatives' so we could engrave them on the trophies, but then realized I couldn't wait any more. After visiting two different shops in person last Tuesday, I returned to my favorite on Wednesday and met the owner. He had coached little league for 28 years and was so friendly, helpful, and even willing to get the trophies done in two days so we could have them for our party that weekend.
So Friday, I picked them up. Nope. That's not how my brain works anymore. Instead, I spent the morning getting the antibiotics and steroids to take care of the chest cold my immune system can't get rid of because I've taken too much methotrexate lately. Instead, I remembered to bring tape to the booth where I had promised to volunteer a few months ago. I spent a mere two hours sitting in while the all day volunteers had lunch. Instead, our family did end up in the Johnson City Press at the Blue Plum Festival! And when we returned home, I finally figured out why I felt that nagging feeling all day long. That piece in my brain that was there, but I couldn't grasp it. It's like when there are words that I can't find. Or when names are lost. But somehow I remember numbers and street addresses. I can probably stalk someone quite well. But at 6:30pm Friday evening, I realized I had forgotten to pick up the trophies for our tee ball party. I called the shop and let it ring about 20 times till their machine picked up and left a joyful message, hey, if you are there on Saturday...
Our last tee ball game was Saturday morning and so I decided one last time, to ask about our numbers. We expected a good turnout and so I confided in a trusting parent (the superstar that planned the party). As I began to tear up, she said, do you have the number... and the phone number rolled off my lips...282... like, how the hell can I remember a freakin phone number, but forget to pick up a box of trophies that I ordered two days prior with a bunch of hoopla surrounding it?
I walked to the car defeated, like this was the part of being the coach that I was so excited about from the beginning. My memory/brain fog, my sjogrens brain continues to lose 'function'. I feel as if I should identify as a 70 year old...this is a part of sjogrens that is so difficult to prove, but that on all patient support sites identify as a primary symptom. But it isn't who I am. I do not live in brain fog all the time. My eyes are not bone dry all the time. My mouth is always dry. My joints hurt all the time, but not horribly all the time.
Maybe someday, I'll be able to say I have Sjogrens. Sometimes I can forget very important details and I apologize for that. I'd love to volunteer or lead this, but could someone help remind me?
And as far as the trophies go. I went with the right trophy place. Choosing a place where the owner is also a little league coach pays off when you need to get your trophies on a Saturday evening. It also pays to trust others and let them help you when you've forgotten something or messed up. I don't think she realizes how much of a sjogren's hero she became for me last weekend, but it's why I share with you all. Thank you to others who have been heros for those of us with autoimmune disorders and other invisible illnesses.
"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you--all of the expectations, all of the beliefs--and becoming who you are."---Rachel Naomi Remen
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Faith and the illness gift
It's been awhile since I've updated and I've been feeling a need to write more lately. After reading a blog that CNN highlighted, I've been thinking about faith a lot. I've also been quite embarrassed about my faith as well. About how I've 'used' it in the past and how I've isolated people throughout my life. I'll try to be general about this-- but I've even tried to catch up with those I 'evangelized' in high school so I could apologize for the pressure and stress I created instead of just being their friend. However, all routes I've taken for contact are dead ends.
I've posted on a blog about raising one's children without God. While I decide to parent differently, I was able to leave an honest response and receive a heartfelt thank you. Other Christians were not so eloquent with their words and the proselytizing began. What are we so afraid of when others believe differently? Do we believe that because they claim to 'not' believe due to really shitty circumstances that they will be sent to hell? One of the blog responders had lost two daughters, and a few other family members. While she held her dead 8 month old, a chaplain shared with her about his faith. That's pretty shitty chaplaincy. We wonder why people question God's existence.
God/ess/divine does not need more angels in heaven and God/ess/divine does not have a plan for the death of your child.
I am able to sit with these questions of why... usually with a knot in my stomach, but I can sit with them. I'd like to punch God in the face or privates if I ever 'get to heaven', but for now I still believe even though shitty things happen in the world. I'm not sure what I would do if a really shitty thing happened to me, but for now, I stay grateful and remind myself to live.
Which brings me to why I've included a rant about faith on my 'illness' blog. I have Sjogren's Syndrome. The syndrome does not fully clue one into the amount of organs and body parts affected by this 'syndrome'. It is a full autoimmune disease. Disease. As my tears and saliva dry up, my joints are too. The inflammation leaves me paralyzed most days and the issues with my 'brain fog' as Sjogren's patients call it are incredibly embarrassing. (that's another very horrible story) I mix up words, use wrong words, and have an even bigger challenge thinking on my feet. (it's never been a talent of mine)
But, a wise older minister explained his 'illness' as a gift. He is a very seasoned Pastor, Chaplain and even a Professor of Pastoral Care. I trust his words and his journey. So, I've started to see my illness as a gift. I've become a sort of 'wounded healer' in many ways- but my neck surgery scar does that for me anyway. Why do I need another pain or illness as a gift. This is a pretty shitty gift. And who is the gift giver?
I hope to explore this idea of illness of gift, but it'll take some words and prayers and meditation. I've already opened the gift and thrown out the receipt so if you don't mind, I'll continue to read the instruction manual for awhile.
I've posted on a blog about raising one's children without God. While I decide to parent differently, I was able to leave an honest response and receive a heartfelt thank you. Other Christians were not so eloquent with their words and the proselytizing began. What are we so afraid of when others believe differently? Do we believe that because they claim to 'not' believe due to really shitty circumstances that they will be sent to hell? One of the blog responders had lost two daughters, and a few other family members. While she held her dead 8 month old, a chaplain shared with her about his faith. That's pretty shitty chaplaincy. We wonder why people question God's existence.
God/ess/divine does not need more angels in heaven and God/ess/divine does not have a plan for the death of your child.
I am able to sit with these questions of why... usually with a knot in my stomach, but I can sit with them. I'd like to punch God in the face or privates if I ever 'get to heaven', but for now I still believe even though shitty things happen in the world. I'm not sure what I would do if a really shitty thing happened to me, but for now, I stay grateful and remind myself to live.
Which brings me to why I've included a rant about faith on my 'illness' blog. I have Sjogren's Syndrome. The syndrome does not fully clue one into the amount of organs and body parts affected by this 'syndrome'. It is a full autoimmune disease. Disease. As my tears and saliva dry up, my joints are too. The inflammation leaves me paralyzed most days and the issues with my 'brain fog' as Sjogren's patients call it are incredibly embarrassing. (that's another very horrible story) I mix up words, use wrong words, and have an even bigger challenge thinking on my feet. (it's never been a talent of mine)
But, a wise older minister explained his 'illness' as a gift. He is a very seasoned Pastor, Chaplain and even a Professor of Pastoral Care. I trust his words and his journey. So, I've started to see my illness as a gift. I've become a sort of 'wounded healer' in many ways- but my neck surgery scar does that for me anyway. Why do I need another pain or illness as a gift. This is a pretty shitty gift. And who is the gift giver?
I hope to explore this idea of illness of gift, but it'll take some words and prayers and meditation. I've already opened the gift and thrown out the receipt so if you don't mind, I'll continue to read the instruction manual for awhile.
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