Last week I posted an article about life after divorce. There were pictures of happy families after the dreaded 'divorce'. The pictures were beautiful for anyone; married, divorced, separated, or widowed. They were a reminder that life gives us second chances and God's grace is way more than sufficient for us.
I did not post the article to leave a cryptic message about my life, but in many ways, that's what happened. My 14 year marriage will end in divorce towards the end of the summer.
No, there is no scandal to share and yes, it is mutual. I can't say that we are immune to scandal or mistakes, OR that we haven't already regretted the decision. If you want more details; please ask.
While I have many regrets about life and marriage, I will never regret marrying Adam-- making a choice to commit to a lifelong relationship and meaning it as best I possibly could with everything I knew and experienced at the time. I have a lifelong friend that will understand me better than most others, someone that has seen me in a great deal of both emotional and physical pain, someone who knows me at my worst and best self.
And he has given me life's gift of children and a dog. I will never be able to express my gratitude in full.
At this point in my life's journey, I have decided that I love Adam in a way that not many will ever understand. In order for me to love him in my way, I have to let him go.
It has taken me YEARS to convince myself divorce is okay. As a Pastor, I try my hardest (most days) to never preach anything I couldn't uphold myself. While I have failed many, many times; I believe I can preach and officiate God-ordained unions and still hold my head up. It is only because of God's unconditional love and grace that gives me this confidence.
While marriage may never be in my future, I do know that I am worthy of being loved and loving someone.
Our divorce and marriage is and was as with everyone, very complex. We are both products of our families and learned to be in relationship with each other as individuals from different family systems.
I speak for myself only here. I am a codependent warrior. I fix things and people and take care of those around me. When I got ill after my neck surgery (2010), I was incredibly depressed, fighting for my life as undiagnosed joint pain & fatigue continued to get worse and worse. I've struggled and fought for five years with Primary Sjogren's Syndrome.
In year two of my struggle, I was given the gift of a Chaplain Residency at the James H. Quillen VA Medical Center. While learning to care for others, I learned how to take care of myself. This is something we ALL must learn on our own---no matter how healthy or dysfunctional of a family we have. Sometimes relatively healthy families fail to understand their own relationships and relationships with self. In a nutshell, I learned how to love myself and practice true self-care.
As I learned to love myself, I began to find more of my true self emerging. Every day, I learn more about who God has created me to become.
While this may appear selfish, this new found love for myself meant that I had to learn to love in new ways, more perfect ways. And the best, and most perfect love for Adam is to be honest with him. Our conversations have been incredibly painful, full of regret, and anger and certainly resentment.
But the decision that we came to together is that in order for us to love each other well, to give our children the healthiest, most joyful family, it means our family has to live separately.
The brokenness of broken homes is really only present if the parents can't step aside long enough to let healing begin. And so breaking up our little family is the most painful act we will go through. But, we will sit with our children through the pain and we will depend on many to help sit with our children in their pain.
So, I (Deven) ask for your prayers or good thoughts. If you would like to know more, we may share and we may not. The story certainly has two sides (or more!), so please ask one of us directly.
I do hope to share more of my journey some day, but for now, it is what grounds me. But please know that neither of us plan to be completely absent from each other's family. We may not be present for a little while and that is okay. Or, we may be present and if it is awkward we'll tell you.
And to some of you, please answer if we need to call you. We will need support in ways we never dreamed of.
I (Deven) hope to celebrate our divorce with a ceremony and party. Adam still thinks it is kinda weird. It is, but i like ritual. So stay tuned--- you may be invited to your first divorce ceremony!
Thank you in advance for your thoughts prayers and love. Please let us know if you have any questions. Happy Divorcing!
grace and peace,
Deven
