It's been awhile since I've updated and I've been feeling a need to write more lately. After reading a blog that CNN highlighted, I've been thinking about faith a lot. I've also been quite embarrassed about my faith as well. About how I've 'used' it in the past and how I've isolated people throughout my life. I'll try to be general about this-- but I've even tried to catch up with those I 'evangelized' in high school so I could apologize for the pressure and stress I created instead of just being their friend. However, all routes I've taken for contact are dead ends.
I've posted on a blog about raising one's children without God. While I decide to parent differently, I was able to leave an honest response and receive a heartfelt thank you. Other Christians were not so eloquent with their words and the proselytizing began. What are we so afraid of when others believe differently? Do we believe that because they claim to 'not' believe due to really shitty circumstances that they will be sent to hell? One of the blog responders had lost two daughters, and a few other family members. While she held her dead 8 month old, a chaplain shared with her about his faith. That's pretty shitty chaplaincy. We wonder why people question God's existence.
God/ess/divine does not need more angels in heaven and God/ess/divine does not have a plan for the death of your child.
I am able to sit with these questions of why... usually with a knot in my stomach, but I can sit with them. I'd like to punch God in the face or privates if I ever 'get to heaven', but for now I still believe even though shitty things happen in the world. I'm not sure what I would do if a really shitty thing happened to me, but for now, I stay grateful and remind myself to live.
Which brings me to why I've included a rant about faith on my 'illness' blog. I have Sjogren's Syndrome. The syndrome does not fully clue one into the amount of organs and body parts affected by this 'syndrome'. It is a full autoimmune disease. Disease. As my tears and saliva dry up, my joints are too. The inflammation leaves me paralyzed most days and the issues with my 'brain fog' as Sjogren's patients call it are incredibly embarrassing. (that's another very horrible story) I mix up words, use wrong words, and have an even bigger challenge thinking on my feet. (it's never been a talent of mine)
But, a wise older minister explained his 'illness' as a gift. He is a very seasoned Pastor, Chaplain and even a Professor of Pastoral Care. I trust his words and his journey. So, I've started to see my illness as a gift. I've become a sort of 'wounded healer' in many ways- but my neck surgery scar does that for me anyway. Why do I need another pain or illness as a gift. This is a pretty shitty gift. And who is the gift giver?
I hope to explore this idea of illness of gift, but it'll take some words and prayers and meditation. I've already opened the gift and thrown out the receipt so if you don't mind, I'll continue to read the instruction manual for awhile.
