But, today my five year old started kindergarten. And today...three years ago... I gave birth to my son. And that was the beginning of my journey of chronic, invisible pain.
Today also marks my first higher dose 'fog' day. I took two more little orange pills last night to round my dose to 15mg of methotrexate a week. And strangely, I feel fine. Maybe it's the adrenaline of sending the oldest to school or the youngest celebrating a birthday, but I don't have the splitting headache or the inability to function like I did the first few weeks. I got out of bed and took a shower, got two kids ready and one to school by 8:30am. Success.
A few weeks ago I decided I couldn't take it anymore and rescheduled my rheumatology appointment for an earlier date. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but I knew I needed another push in my fight to feel better. Once again, my symptoms aren't visible and insurance companies don't like to pay for things unless you've tried the cheaper version first, so we just upped my dose of my existing medication.
But, two weeks ago, I finally had a complete malfunction. I had to lay in bed and that's all I could do. No sleeping, just laying. And a few pills to get rid of the pain. My shoulder, elbow, and wrist hurt so bad it felt like I'd broken them. A little rest and a lot of pills later, I was able to function and move forward.
With all this, I realized something lately. Our pain scales change over time. The worst pain I had ever experienced was a dog bite, then a tooth ache (i ended up having such a bad infection- it landed me in the hospital for IV antibiotics), then my neck and that lasted almost 13 years. Finally, I had the curse and privilege of pitocin induced labor (thanks to my love for food and fast growing kids). I lasted till the early stages of transitional labor with both. I thought I felt pain with my first child, till I had my second child. That pain was pretty bad, but it's also the placement of pain that gets me. It hurt and will forever be 'off' the charts on my pain scale.
So, when I started having 'joint pain', I thought this isn't bad, but something is wrong. And then it got worse and then it got worse. So, how can pain be a 5 months ago and now a 7? When, really, looking back-- it was probably a lower amount of pain months ago... I'd just never experienced it before.
We continually have to change our perspective throughout life. I used to think that all adults were mature until I became an adult. I used to think that well, we won't go there...but it is amazing how we change, especially when we have the ability to look back at ourselves. My first instinct is to kick myself at the days when I thought I couldn't function, but really, couldn't grasp my pain level.
I'm finally at the point where I'd like to use the little cliche...when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. The problem is. I can't really squeeze the lemons. It hurts and I don't have the strength.
I start a new full-time job on Monday. The first since Maggie was little and both kids will be cared for by someone else. I will have to wake up EARLY to get everyone to school and work. Then, I'll have to have enough energy to 'work' a full day and still have enough energy left over to pick the kids up and make dinner, then put them to bed. This is terrifying because I don't think I can do it.
But, with my perspective changing, I know I'll be able to fight for my normal. Along with life's transitions, come new perspective. I hope to gain a little more.
